Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Bachelor #8: Hometown Horrors

I'm saddened and dismayed that my front-runner has lost her footing and been kicked to the curb by Ben. I was hoping for some redemption for our Bachelor, but it's painfully clear that there will be none. He and Courtney deserve each other. I'm sure the other girls watching now are singing praises that they dodged this bullet.

Lorraine: did you watch??

Lacey: Yes. Crazy town!

Lorraine: CRAZY TOWN.

Lacey: For so many weeks Kacie was the shoe in for the top two.

Lorraine: Totally. When he said Courtney and Lindzi first, I was completely shocked, because I thought it would come down to the two of them.

That's what is so ridiculous about this show. He sent home the girl who presented the most real life obstacles, and that is not real at all! He clearly had the best chemistry with her of all the women, so, it was startling, and I just don't know what to think of him anymore.

Lacey: I'm pretty disappointed in him.

Lorraine: Lacey, this is kind of a big moment in our legal sisterhood. we've faced some adversity in our opinions up to this point, and we've weathered through. I feel full in heart to tell you that I am no longer a card-carrying member of Team Courtney.

Lacey: Really?! Lorraine... I... I don't know what to say! Welcome back from the Dark Side!

Lorraine: That fake wedding ceremony complete with Dwight Schrute twine rings was just too much. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life. ESPECIALLY since Ben hypnotically went along!!!

Lacey: Right? I cringed the whole time! I almost died when she made that little "and every night" comment and gave him her sexy eyes. I was like, "There's a minister RIGHT THERE, Courtney! Turn it off! For the love!"


Ben is such a skeez. How can he walk through a fake wedding ceremony with a woman, and still act like he gives a hoot about the other women on the show? The entire time he was with her, he had this expression on his face of a man who knows he got a woman out of his league, and now he's just going to make a fool of himself all the way into the finale.

Lacey: I feel the same way. With Kacie gone, there's no doubt in my mind that he's going to choose her. Mike Fleiss shall shout from the roof tops, "LUST CONQUERS ALL!"

Lorraine: hahahahhaha I don't even think those are actually her parents. I think they might be people the producers cast to look like upper middle class white people who only have a faint memory of raising their daughter between botox appointments.

Lacey: I might be able to believe it if Courtney and her mother didn't speak exactly the same. It was kind of creepy!

Lorraine: haha, that's true! touche.

Lacey: That whisper in high-pitch through pursed lips.

Lorraine: And clearly the position of both their eyebrows has been surgically determined.

I felt like I was watching Laguna Beach all over again- she's the child of parents too rich and oblivious to realize that their daughter has been raised by wolves. And the help. I can't imagine her father actually cares if she ends up with him or Flava-Flav.

"Marriage is a gamble, Son! Are you ready to make that bet?" I don't know, but I'm ready to force scissors in my ears to make you stop talking, SIR.

Lacey: You know he practiced that line in the mirror for 3 hours.

Lorraine: At least. I have this great idea where you don't approach marriage the way you approach a craps table, actually. Just a thought!

I think as awful as I feel for Kacie, I feel even worse for Nicki, who is making a great late run at Ben's heart, and who really is too vulnerable and too fabulous to get crushed by the evil. She really grew on me, and I hate the idea of her getting hurt.

Lacey: I thought his date with Nicki was the least awkward. Her family was very warm and kind. He really seemed to enjoy himself.

Lorraine: I thought so too. I really liked her family, and she totally glowed on her home turf. And I covet her new boots.

Lacey: Was it her brother that said, "Hmm. I actually like the guy."

Lorraine: haha, yeah And that was pretty much the only thing we saw of him. Good call. Normal people lay low when presented with Bachelor cameras.

Lacey: Nicki is my last horse in this race. After the first episode I named 4 of my favorites Shawn (oops), Rachel, Kacie, and Nicki. If she doesn't make it into the top two my shame will be complete.

Lorraine: hahaha, who could have guessed? this season has been weird. I don't know what to make of how he chooses these women.

Lacey: Let's break down what went wrong at Kacie's home town. I think her first mistake was introducing Ben to her hot sister.

Lorraine: yup. It was like that time Kate Middleton got out of the car at Westminster Abbey on her wedding day, and then PIPPA got out after her, and everyone wanted to know who the "hot sister" was. AWKWARD.

AND, how awkward it was that even though Ben knew Kacie's parents didn't drink, he still brought them a bottle of red wine. And was the only one to drink it. WEIRD.

Lacey: Maybe he was taking it medicinally to dull the pain of the slipped disc he sustained when Kacie jump-straddle-hugged him on the football field.

Lorraine: that was pretty bumpy. What we horse people might call a failed mount.

Lacey: Ha ha! Also, Kacie's mother must have been cryogenically frozen for the past 15 years or so. She looked so ridiculously young.

Lorraine: hahah, she and your mom must go to the same cryogenic spa!

That was a really uncomfortable date. I get that they have some moral concerns with the whole thing, but I think the time to voice that would be before your daughter goes on National TV and falls in love with a dude. If you had any faith at all in the daughter you raised, you'd think she'd do well on a dating show. So if you have concerns, don't wait til she brings a brother home!

Lacey: I agree. I felt like they really didn't show much respect for Kacie and her own decisions. I think they were definitely right about a lot of things, but they were so cold and forceful and over-bearing about it. I could see why she'd be frustrated.

Lorraine: and frankly, Kacie's father didn't give Ben much choice. He basically begged Ben to dump her right then, unless he was positive he was going to marry her. Ouch.

Lacey: At the beginning of the date, I was getting upset at Kacie for intimidating Ben and making him nervous about meeting her family. As the date went on though, I could see that she was accidentally being honest. She thought she was being funny and playful, but in truth, she gave him fair warning.

Lorraine: yeah, it was probably better not to blindside him. I read Chris Harrison's blog post about this week, and he made a really great point. which is that once Kacie's family, and probably Kacie herself, saw Ben's more "intimate" interactions with the other*Courtney*women, there was just no way that they were living in the same world.

Lacey: That's so true. As disappointed as I was to see her go because I liked her and they seemed to have good chemistry, I think in the long run it was the right thing to do. They just have different ways of living and thinking. They probably wouldn't have been able to sustain the relationship when their core values were so different.

Lorraine: because, you know, Ben is a man skank.

Lacey: Amen.

Lorraine: I think I know what we've been building up to, Lacey, and I'm very excited to talk about what I consider the dramatic and serendipitous climax of Season 16 of the Bachelor.

Lacey: Devin the Horse!!! Carriage racing! Riding gear! Were you in heaven?

Lorraine: I believe dear Devin is a European-bred Welsh Pony/Fjord Mix, known for their incredible stamina, strength, and temperaments!!!! He is a delightful example of top cross breeding, and the perfect bachelor horse. I wish DEVIN were the next bachelor!!!! mwuhhhh huuhh huhhhhh!!! I would be like Shawntelle, and beg my way onto the show via Chris Harrison, until I could claim the horse that's rightfully mine!

Ooooh! Ben's gettin' fresh!

Lacey: Ha ha! He looked like a real sweetie!

Lorraine: I think it's also important to note that Lindzi's parents live in Ocala, Florida, which is kind of the winter Mecca of my people. Where horse people instinctively flock like the Salmon of Capistrano! How could Ben want to marry into ANY OTHER FAMILY after that is BEYOND me.

Lacey: Fun with horses aside, I thought Lindzi's date was very nice and low key and easy. She and her family seem like really good, normal people. I think he felt comfortable there. Again with Lindzi, she's so good at flying under the radar and then suddenly surprising you. She's been the dark HORSE in this whole thing.

Ha! Oh man, I kill myself!

Lorraine: LACEY, stop HORSING around, our bachelor chats are serious business!

Lacey: Why the LONG FACE, Lorraine? I'm just trying to lighten the mood!

Lorraine: I know there's a lot of NEIGHsayers out there, but I think she's got a shot!

Lacey: If we're being honest, it's only a matter of time before she's HOOFING it out of there.

Lorraine: HAY, I'm not giving up on her yet! Even if her makeup is still terrible!

Lacey: Dang it. I think I'm out.

Lorraine: Oh, I had a BRIDLE and GROOM joke yet to work out, but I'm good. I can stop anytime. Really.

Lacey: Ha ha! Well she's a neat girl. While Ben and Courtney are riding off into the sunset, Lindzi will be back in the saddle in no time.

Lorraine: Nah, Courtney just wants to STIRRUP trouble... I'M DONE. I SWEAR.

Lorraine: final thoughts?

Lacey: Oh! Who do you think is coming back next week?

Lorraine: that was weird. I don't have a single solid good guess. An old girlfriend is about the best I can do.

Lacey: It was all voiced over by Courtney about the drama she caused among the other girls. Maybe Emily makes a comeback? I don't know. It'll be exciting.

Lorraine: ahhhhh, that's right. Someone from the past who wanted to warn him? Fascinating. The way they usually like to do all this on the bachelor is bring back some unbiased member of the "bachelor family" who knows a guy who knows a girl who heard from Courtney that she has a boyfriend or whatever. I hope it's VIENNA.

Lacey: It'll be interesting to see.

Lorraine: On to Switzerland! I'm so glad we're finally leaving the island hopping for awhile. well, okay, revision, Belize and Panama aren't islands, but they're tropical, and I'm over it.

Lacey: Me too. I'll bet it'll be so gorgeous! I hope they yodel.

Lorraine: fingers crossed for yodeling! And, more horses wouldn't hurt either.

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