Monday, September 19, 2011

The Secretary Files: A Plague

Every summer the employee break room at my office becomes a disgusting, festering hot bed of revolting, ghastly plague! I'm not talking about a plague that everyone catches and dies. It's more like one of the Plagues of Egypt. In fact, it was one of the Plagues of Egypt.

The Plague of Flies.

Gross, huh? I don't know how they get in here, but they do and they're everywhere! At any given time there are probably 10 or so live ones buzzing furiously around the windows. Then they die and their rotting, shriveling carcasses litter the windowsills and floors.

They also make their way into the fluorescent lights on the ceiling. The silhouettes of death.

I don't know if the custodians of the building don't put this room on their daily rotation or if they're too terrified to enter, but the fly body count keeps rising. I don't want to sound like I'm blaming the custodians. Maybe the expectation is that the employees should take care of their own space. Fair enough.

One time, one of my co-workers went up there to heat up her lunch in the microwave. She said she opened it and a fly flew out. I died a thousand deaths.

Anyway, I pretty much avoid that room altogether this time of year. I only went in to take pictures. You're welcome.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Saying Please Doesn't Make You Polite

Have you ever spoken to someone and they're saying "Please" and "Thank you" but they have a tone and demeanor that says "Hurry up and do what I want" and "I don't like you"? They think they're being polite, but they're really arrogant, condescending, patronizing, selfish, and rude. I would rather have a box full of over-ripe greasy brown bananas hovering 2 feet from my nose for an entire month than talk to people like that.

Friday, September 2, 2011


I went to a movie with my brother Dylan. There was this preview for a movie about a bunch of really attractive young adults who go on a summer vacation to a lake. Things seem to be perfect, until they all start getting picked off by what appear to be sharks. The kids are like totally freaking out because what in the world are sharks doing in a lake?!

I leaned over to Dylan and said, "They're freshwater bull sharks."

A few moments passed. Dylan leaned over to me and replied, "Nerd."