Friday, March 16, 2012

The Bachelor Finale: We Can Work It Out

This is it, my friends. It's been a long, hard season but we've made it to the end. I just want to know how we got through this entire "journey" without Lindzi revealing that she's one of the Elves of the Woodland Realm. Bet she's kicking herself for not disclosing it earlier on. Dude wouldn't have been able to resist her. Now he's got an ice queen instead and I don't think he knows what to do with her.

Lacey: Alright. Let's do this thing. Shall we start at the very beginning? It's a very good place to start.

Lorraine: yes!

Lacey: Here we are in beautiful Zermatt, Switzerland, the majestic Matterhorn standing in the distance. Disneyland's is better. It's got bobsleds and Abominable Snow Monsters.

Lorraine: And in disneyland you won't have to pull out a translation guide to get to the bathroom.

Lacey: So true. Joking aside, the scenery really is spectacular. Every camera shot they set up had the mountain in the background. Overkill?

Lorraine: just in case anyone forgot where they were. it's very orienting after the dozens of beach resorts. Lets get to it, Lindzi, or as I would like to call her, Princess Horsegirlforkdropper

Lacey: I loved that! So adorable. Nervous much? I thought she got along with Ben's family really really well. She and Sister were like pals out there on the balcony.

Lorraine: Still, the worlds most uncomfortable conversation.

that reminds me, I've been meaning to tell you the past two years or so: remember that time that I came and re-met all the Jacksons as Dan's girlfriend for Sunday dinner, and you did not at any point take me out on a balcony alone and question my intentions? THANK YOU!!!!! xoxoxo, love New Sibby.

Lacey: I seriously thought about it, Lorraine. I had a lot of tough questions for you that night...

Lorraine: hahaha

Lacey: I decided to let you settle in a little before the grilling started :)

I'm sure Courtney was the last thing Lindzi ever wanted to talk about, but didn't she handle it beautifully? She's a class act for sure. She had every opportunity to throw Courtney under the bus and she didn't. She was honest, but didn't rant and rave.

Lorraine: I have written in giant scary letters on my scratch pad "DON'T DO IT, LINDZI" and I couldn't remember why, and then I remembered, it was that thing. I was worried she would really go to town on her. I thought she could have shown a little more grace, but she certainly behaved better than the majority of other women towards courtney.

Lacey: Doesn't slander or gossip= nice girl. All she said was "She's different from me." There's nothing mean in that at all. 10 points.

Lorraine: which is by the way, exhibit A of why it's good she's not with Ben. She's too sweet, too demure.

Lacey: I loved Sister when Ben was talking about Courtney. "She's a model?! Seriously, Ben?" And she sensed that antagonizing all the girls was a red flag. Too bad she switched camps by the end. Drat!

Lorraine: Frankly, the whole experience of Ben with Lindzi and his family left me just feeling so Vanilla. The only other VERY important thing I have to say about the date with lindzi is that during the horse and carriage scene, they totally inserted a fake horse neigh, and it was embarrassingly bad. That is all. It was Lindzi's OMEN. FAKE NEIGH, FAKE LOVE, LINDZI.

Lacey: Wasn't that on their date?

Lorraine: yes. oh darn, I skipped ahead, didn't I?

Lacey: I honestly can't remember/

Lorraine: darn notes, that's the last time I write in circles.. we should have done this on tuesday when it was fresh hahaha but I was scared. Scared of the Lacey Wrath. So okay, Courtney's family visit is next?

Lacey: Yes. I don't know what she did to brainwash them, but she won them over.

Lorraine: Well, she was normal and charming and interesting the whole time. so that was probably it.

Lacey: It drove me crazy when she was talking to Sis how she always always always paints herself as the victim!

Lorraine: they couldn't have known any different.

Lacey: "I really tried, really made and effort to get along with the girls." Boo! Opposite Day!

On to Lindzi's date. I just kept thinking I wish I had a cute dimple.

Lorraine: ohhhhh, speaking of opposite day. I kept thinking her dimple made her look a little bit disfigured.

Lacey: No way! I love dimples.


Lacey: Dimples are cute, Lorraine.

Lorraine: some of them are. absolutely. hers is weird. and asymmetrical.

Lacey: Alright, that's it. DEAR READERS: Vote in the comments section below. Is Lindzi's dimple cute or disfiguring?

This is the only way to solve this, Lorraine.

Lorraine: I accept your terms. now can I talk about the inserted horse sound?

Lacey: ya

Lorraine: It was SO FAKE! Lacey, that neigh belonged to a horse at least 400 pounds that percheron's junior. That's all. I'm done.

Lacey: I'll bet you and Lindzi were the only ones to notice.

Lorraine: it's all part of the artificial magic

so I had kind of an epiphany during their "humble abode" visit after dinner, which is sort of a ridiculous epiphany, but still: that rather intimate scene when they're on the balcony and declaring their love? There are AT LEAST three cameras on them. I counted.

not the same camera in 3 places at three different times, THREE CAMERAS.

how do you...I don't even... there are more camera men on the balcony than people in love!

Lacey: I guess now that they don't have a house full of psycho girls to film, they put all resources into making it difficult for fake lovers to stay focused.

Lorraine: well, usually Courtney does the unfocusing for them, by jumping into a pool in a white bikini.

Lacey: I found it difficult to watch this date because it was so painfully clear to me that Ben had no feelings for Lindzi. In the gondola and again at the hotel, she was saying all these sweet things to him. All he did was preach at her about "opening up" and "being vulnerable". He was seriously bugging.

Lorraine: yup, he just wasn't that into her.

Lacey: Also this gem: Lindzi "This is the first time I've been so sure about something." Ben "...uh huh..."

Lorraine: and frankly, she said all the right things, and made all the right gestures, but I actually don't buy that she really loved him all that much either.

Lacey: Yeah. Not a match.

Lorraine: he ditched his second best when he sent home Kacie.

Lacey: Now Courtney on the other hand... I hate to say this. I'm ashamed of myself as I type this. Their date was obviously really sweet and cute and fun.

Lorraine: I support you saying this, and don't worry, I will have a courtney zinger coming your way to re-even the score. It was a lovely date, and they have pretty undeniable chemistry.

Lacey: They're perfect for each other. I hate it so much. I really want to like the people at the end of this. Oh well. Who said nasty people can't find happy love connections as well as the nice?

Lorraine: I'm so glad you're coming around to this

Lacey: I actually caught myself SMILING as they sledded down the hill, Lorraine. SMILING!!! Don't you fret. I returned to a scowl the second I realized.

Lorraine: hahahha

Lacey: I knew the ending was set in stone when Courtney brought out her hand-made gift. Lindzi hadn't given him one. Kiss of death.

My question is, which production assistant did she make-out with to get him to procure all those pictures for her?

Lorraine: OH, you stole my zinger!!! snap. well done. We are once again in matching sibby wavelengths.

Lacey: Winning!

Lorraine: my exact note was "That was so nice of the producers to make that photo album for BenjaCourt!"

in that case, I will have to trade you a new zinger here, which is a mild tangent. remember the fake wedding vows on the parent date? Courtney swiped her opening line from the series finale of Sex and the City. that is all. I'm done with my tangent now.

Lacey: Scandal! I didn't watch that show. I didn't even notice. She mean and a plagiarizer!

Lorraine: oh dear. she's devolving into a hot typo'd mess, now. just when we were making progress. I did this to you!

Lacey: Sorry. She's. Well, now we come to it. The day of the big decision. The ring is chosen. Courtney is scampering about in a teddy. Lindzi is curling her hair.

Lorraine: oh yes, we are approaching my favorite part, when the elves cross into the circle of Mordor, shed their cloaks and throw love into Mount Doom!!!! If ONLY Frodo and Sam had had their own private helichoppers, as Courtney called them.

Lacey: But first Lindzi must follow the ancient cairns on the mountain top to the Altar of Rejection.

Lorraine: Which Ben ceremoniously began by saying "come on in" to the circle of tragedy.

Lacey: Then he does the famous bait and switch. "You're perfect. You're exactly what I've always looked for. I've fallen in love with you.... But I'm in love with someone else." Wha?

Lorraine: I hate it. I remember Brad did that to Chantelle too. And stupid Ashley let Ben get all the way down on one knee and pour his heart out. I think they must get some sort of signing bonus if they can lead the person on right up until the "end". And Ben's "BUT" must be the worst BUT of all time. Like, he dumped her in a single word.

Lacey: Lindzi's exit was the best. She didn't cry, she didn't grovel. If only she hadn't made the "If it doesn't work out, call me" comment, it would've been perfect.

Girl power!

Lorraine: I have another angry scribbled note here about how when the guy that just dumped your face on TV offers to walk you to your helipad, The Answer Is Always NO, girls. ALWAYS> you walk yourself to the door. end of story. I can guarantee you that Courtney would not have let him walk her to the helipad. Part of why I like her.

Lacey: Oh wait. I take back the girl power thing. I just remembered she said, "I'm mad at myself for not giving you what you need." Boo. Worst exit ever.

Lorraine: yup. not unlike the Kacie "what did he WANT?!!" segment. So undignified.

Lindzi, the thing you didn't give was sass. You were sassless. You didn't fight for him, you didn't make an arse of yourself to get his attention, and that's what the dip wanted all along. Consider yourself lucky. Now go marry a banker who can fund your horse habit indefinitely.

Lacey: Courtney's helichopper lands. She walks up the path to her future. Ben remembers about the skinny dipping and has to catch his breath.

Lorraine: and the rest of us have to catch our breath that she is wearing those heinous gloves, and sporting hair tendrils.

Lacey: And it happens. The moment we've known was coming, yet dreaded nonetheless. Ben "I've loved you for a long time. One whole month. I said I wouldn't get down on one knee again unless I knew it was forever. You're my forever." I'm gonna puke.

Lorraine: I was genuinely excited, but yes. we definitely all knew it was coming. She laughed at entirely innapropriate moments, acted like a goof, and the two of them look cute on Mount Doom.

oh, and in Ben's words, "My hair looked like a water buffalo. Maybe it is time for a cut."

Lacey: She didn't really seem all that happy to me until he opened up the ring box. I flashed back to episode one when she said she wouldn't be okay with anything less than 2 karats because "she deserves it". Happy ending!

Lorraine: haha

I will say this, and you are more than welcome to disagree. It's all the dumb funny show anyway. I think that people (every girl that was on the show, every trashy magazine, every blogger, every vocal viewer) has taken Ben and Courtney to town for their actions, dragged them through the mud, called them every nasty name, and somehow, they still have the slightest desire to be together? Courtney is a weirdo and Ben is a creep, and they seem really happy together, probably because they ARE well suited. All along, he wanted a girl who KNEW she deserved nothing less than "a two karat diamond" and that's what he got. so, meh, I was genuinely relieved and happy he chose the person who was the best fit for him, and (more or less) stuck to his guns.

I think it's very tempting to choose "the best woman" instead of "the right woman" as young idiot couples seem to do all the time, and miraculously, Ben avoided that pitfall and got his girl. I say kudos to them both.

Lacey: Back in our Episode #4 chat I said, "I don't think Ben is seeing much of her crazy. Only the other girls are. If she comes out with the psycho and Ben still likes her, I wish her lip biting, hair fondling joy." Up until the show started airing, he didn't see any of that. Now he has. He clearly wasn't okay with it. If they can indeed move on and decide to stay together, I don't begrudge them that. I'm sure they'll be great. It's only now that I feel they're actually on an even playing field. He knows her weaknesses and now she's seen his (the whole cutting loose when it got rough thing). I hope they can make an honest go of it.

Lorraine: That's a totally fair assessment. You are much more reasonable than the 10 idiots in the audience they kept cutting away that were mouthing obscenities and shaking their head every time Courtney so much as sneezed. (during the After the Rose Special) I could barely watch it was so annoying. Best line of the night was Courtney's "tough crowd!" hahahaha

Lacey: Ben and Courtney should probably have talked before the show and gotten on the same page. Were they together? Not together? She was saying one thing, he said another. They didn't even know what's going on. Good thing Chris was there to help them sort it all out. And give her her ring back.

Lorraine: I think they purposefully don't let them see each other before the show, and it sounds like he'd kind of cut communication in the weeks prior. It was very weird to watch.

ben's last blog on was very illuminating,,20578316,00.html

and you have to admit, Ben crying was genuinely sad, even if they were the result of his own choices.

Lacey: Bless their hearts. I hope they get left alone for a while and get all sorted out.

Things got weirder for me when Ashley and JP came out and started making pregnant jokes. Wah wah.

Lorraine: sister really wears the pants in that relationship.

Lacey: I think they're cute and I'll bet Mike Fleiss is thrilled that they're FINALLY going to get another wedding out of this thing. Unless things fall apart "within the year".

Lorraine: they're lookin pretty good, they're both just kind of dumb happy puppies, so I don't foresee an Allie/Roberto implosion

Lacey: Well, I've got to say I'm not sad to see this season go. I wish the best for all parties involved and I hope they get some awesome guys for Emily. Unless they bring Bentley back and she takes him all the way to the end, I think it'll be a very lovely season.

Lorraine: I like the bachelorette seasons a lot because they tend to be a little more emotional and a little less dramatic.

And y'all, Emillly is just so so so so so totally almost like close to being sort of like the perfect bachelorette.

said in emily voice

Lacey: The End.

Lorraine: woohoo!

we did it!

I'm going to send all our chats to a producer to have him print them out and put them in a scrapbook, which I will present to you someday and take credit for it.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Bachelor #10: The Women Go CRAZY!!!

The Women Tell All. It's a difficult thing for rational people to understand, but somehow it happens. Lorraine took the high-road and skipped most of the episode. I fell deep into its fiery pit. Below are a few of our thoughts. Please forgive us as we read into this silly bubblegum show more than we probably should.

me: ‪Hey!‬ What did you think?

Lorraine: ‪So....I started to watch it, and couldn't. I started to watch the highlight reel...and I couldn't. I youtubed "courtney's apology" and kept waiting for them to let her talk. And then I finally gave up and watched Ellen Degeneres' spoof of it, and found that to be satisfactory.‬


me: ‪Courtney high-pitch whispered a lot about how she was under a lot of pressure and that's why she was mean. She said she was a really nice person. And then she cried tears.‬ I don't know if they were real, but there was actual moisture which is a good sign.

Lorraine: ‪I thought I saw some pink around her pupils in the youtube clip, so that's good.‬

me: ‪I had a really hard time with her apology and the reasons are two-fold. First- Nobody lives their lives as a kind-spirited person, then gets onto a TV show, turns into an awful split-personality psycho, and then as soon as they’re off, turns back into a sweetheart. That just doesn't happen.‬

Nice people don't suddenly turn mean, as evidenced by many of the nice girls in the house. They didn't wig out, neither should she.‬

‪Secondly- She was kind of reminding me a little of Scarlett O'Hara after Frank Kennedy got killed. She was actually feeling bad, but it came from a place of "Oh no, now I'm having to deal with these consequences and what people think of me" and not because what she did was wrong. Does that make any sense?‬

Lorraine: ‪Ahhh, a lovely Gone With the Wind reference, and I think that's a totally fair anology.‬

me: ‪almost‬

Lorraine: ‪*analogy. I can spell‬. srsly.

me: ‪got it!‬


me: ‪Anyway, I feel bad for the villains on these shows because the girls can definitely get way carried away and go nutso on them and I don't like seeing that either, but really I don't feel too terribly sorry for Courtney. What goes around comes around.‬

Lorraine: ‪I'm going to dive a little deep here for a moment, so bear with me, but while I don't feel too terribly bad for Courtney, I DO feel bad for Women as a whole. I don't think anything more clearly displays the atrocious weaknesses of the modern American woman more than the Women Tell All episode of the Bachelor.‬

me: ‪Do explain.‬

Lorraine: ‪It shows us to be vicious, jealous, unforgiving, petty, trite, impatient, and willing to talk over each other. It shows American viewers that women in packs are irrational and emotional, and when people start generalizing our gender to be like these women, who are supposedly "the good guys" in this scenario, then it becomes very easy to dismiss us as a whole. We are so much better than this! (and it really does become a gender issue when you compare this to Men Tell All episodes of the past).‬

me: ‪Oh I definitely agree. It's like The View. It seriously gives us a bad reputation, when the reality is I have never ever ever been in a crazy, shrill, over-the-top, disrespectful discussion like that. While there are always a few girls that rise above it, the majority of the girls take the opportunity to let loose and dismiss their better sense. Even though the very idea of the WTA episode encourages it to happen, I mean it's the whole point and I'm sure the producers prod them along, I wish there were more girls that would choose to behave with civility.‬

Lorraine: I think you said it very well. There is something very powerful and rare about individuals who choose to show grace under fire, and forgiveness and understanding, especially when you have a "free pass" to let loose. I find it especially disappointing in someone like emily who is representing herself as the smart doctor academic, but has the attitude of a drunk girl at da club.‬

‪Of the small clip I saw, I have to admit that while of course Courtney was horrible, all they did was prove they are all horrible too. Their collective argument that "we didn't say those things, WE didn't self destruct" as they all scream over each other at one woman, is completely hilarious.‬

me: ‪I hope people realize that the Bachelor world in general is just a crazy microcosm that doesn't represent reality, but who knows.‬

For most of the episode I actually thought Emily was excellent and well spoken and had some very valid points. Jennifer the Red-Head Accountant turns out to be horrible. Samantha was a nightmare. ‪It’s cute that Kacie and Nicki are BFFs. Blakeley got a lot of guff that I didn't feel she deserved. She's a little different, but she seems like a nice enough person.‬

Lorraine: ‪I agree. I was team blakeley. romper and all.‬

me: ‪Ugh the romper. I die. The other thing I hated was seeing poor Shawntel re-living the horror of her night among the "ladies". Most of the girls actually became very contrite and truly apologetic because they knew they were out of control.‬

Lorraine: ‪well, the good news is that if all the rumours are true, Shawntel may yet get her chance with Benjamin.‬

me: ‪Whoa whoa whoa.... I haven't read any spoilers... Don't tell me. I think I want to be surprised.‬

Lorraine: ‪not spoilers, just people speculating. I promise!‬

me: ‪Surprised. Ha! As if the ending of this entire journey hasn't been a forgone conclusion for weeks now. Psh.‬

‪My favorite moment of the night was when they showed my favorite Bachelor contestant of all time, the wonderful Reid Rosenthal during the “where are they now” segment. Be still my little ol' heart.‬

Lorraine: ‪oh, that part I would actually WANT to see!‬

me: ‪Also, question: Why in the world do they edit out all the moments where our Bachelor Ben showed hints of personality and save them for the blooper reel? We could definitely have used some of that during this death dirge of a season.‬

Lorraine: ‪ha! Poor earth tones Ben, and his personality that is as dead as his part. I will have to see that, because I don't believe it haha‬

It's true, my friends. Unbelievable but true.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Bachelor #9: A Few Thoughts and a Big Yawn

First, before we start this madness, I would like to comment that this Fantasy Suite episode wigs me out every season. I just… I can’t… I don’t want to be Freaky Naïve Prude of the Century, but I can’t imagine that 3 women would “sleep” with a dude knowing full well that he “slept” with another woman the night before, unless they are polygamists. I don’t want to believe it! But I do believe it. It’s so awkward and weird and grody to me.

Okay. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we’re gonna blog this episode a little differently. Seeing as how this was the slowest, most boring episode of all time, Lorraine and I, independently of each other, wrote down two or three thoughts for each portion of the episode. Then we e-mailed our lists to each other and SURPRISE! A silly, succinct blog post was born. It’s the only way we could think of writing about it without falling asleep. You know your casting has failed when your audience’s most enthusiastic reactions in 2 hours are “Oh ma gosh, the scenery!” and “LAMBIES!!!”

Nicki’s Date

Lorraine: For a minute there, they looked like they were going to die in fiery helicopter flames, but, sadly, they lived. Long enough for Ben to make that “look down and swallow hard” face he makes when he knows he’s sending them home, but wants to keep making out with them anyway.

Lacey: Nicki says, “If I’m ever too much too soon, tell me.” Lacey says, “Honey, if you have to ask, you know the answer.”

Lorraine: Nothing says sincerity and comfort in one’s relationship like repeatedly gigglingly reminding your fake boyfriend that you “dropped the L bomb” on your last date. That makes it so much more genuine and unpathetic.

Lacey: “Are these bubbles?” No! It’s glowing radioactive toxic waste! Don’t get in there, Nicki! You’ll turn into a Ninja Turtle!

Lorraine: Actual props to Nicki for being the only one to come close to really saying what the fantasy suite is all about. She’s been divorced for 18 months. She is REALLY looking forward to this. And that pretty much sums that up.

Lindzi’s Date

Lorraine: If I have to see Ben Flajnik look like a huge pansy of a dweeb from some absurd height ONE MORE TIME, I am going to end it all from some absurd height. SURELY THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE THAT HE IS AFRAID OF THAT WE COULD DO IN SWITZERLAND.

Lacey: If I had a nickel for every time they used the word “vulnerable” on this date… Holy cow, folks, get a thesaurus.


Lacey: We got a little too much exposure from Lindzi on the bed there. She definitely cringed and hid behind the couch as she watched that with Mom and Dad.

Lorraine: You know that Dr. Suess book about Pale Green Pants with nobody inside them? They were Lindzi’s. Cause sister lost her pants.

Courtney’s Date

Lorraine: Props to Courtney for being the only one to say “fantasy suite” the way that “fantasy suite” should be said. Sarcastically. Because that is the worst name anything was ever called.

Lacey: I want her coat and scarf immediately.

Lorraine: Those plastic wine glasses were pretty darn awkward. I think they would have been better off drinking fresh cow milk from a mason jar than whatever was coating those plastic cancerous wine glasses.

Lacey: “Hey Cow!” is my new favorite game. Not.

Lorraine: HOT TUB FOR ONE.

Lacey: The producers wrote Courtney’s script for this entire episode so she’d look like a sympathetic character. Guess what? NOT WORKING.

Kacie’s Dramatic Return

Lorraine: The 20 seconds that it took Kacie to smooth her hair and knock on the damn door. Try to remember that airtime cost ABC about $642,971.

Lacey: I loved her pause outside the door, adjust hair and clothing, lift fist to knock, hold hold hold, almost knock, hold hold, okay knock. You could feel her nerves.

Lorraine: She did it just for the free trip to Switzerland.

Lacey: Dear Ben, it’s usually polite to RESPOND when someone is speaking to you. Blank stares and furrowed brows do not count as communication! Love, Lace.

Bachelorette Head in a Vice Preview

Lacey: Emily says, “My life has gone back to normal.” But not for long! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!

Lorraine: You should definitely make a woman with a dead boyfriend watch a movie about a woman with a dead boyfriend. In 3D.

Lacey: Titanic seems like it would be the lamest movie ever to see in 3D. Especially while wearing cocktail dresses and talking about TV-made relationships.

Lorraine: Allie, was, you know, really helpful, considering she lasted about a year with her El Bacheloro.

Rose Ceremony

Lacey: His outfit! That’s a lot of clashing plaid, Ben. Get this man a stylist.

Lorraine: Benjamin sent home Nicki because she wore the ugliest dress she could find at Forever XXI to the most important Rose Ceremony of her life. That appliqué made me sad.

Lacey: That is all. No surprises here.

Lorraine: Courtney was on her toes this time. She actually hugged someone goodbye! SHE IS A CHANGED WOMAN!!!!