Wednesday, February 22, 2012

The Bachelor #8: Hometown Horrors

I'm saddened and dismayed that my front-runner has lost her footing and been kicked to the curb by Ben. I was hoping for some redemption for our Bachelor, but it's painfully clear that there will be none. He and Courtney deserve each other. I'm sure the other girls watching now are singing praises that they dodged this bullet.

Lorraine: did you watch??

Lacey: Yes. Crazy town!

Lorraine: CRAZY TOWN.

Lacey: For so many weeks Kacie was the shoe in for the top two.

Lorraine: Totally. When he said Courtney and Lindzi first, I was completely shocked, because I thought it would come down to the two of them.

That's what is so ridiculous about this show. He sent home the girl who presented the most real life obstacles, and that is not real at all! He clearly had the best chemistry with her of all the women, so, it was startling, and I just don't know what to think of him anymore.

Lacey: I'm pretty disappointed in him.

Lorraine: Lacey, this is kind of a big moment in our legal sisterhood. we've faced some adversity in our opinions up to this point, and we've weathered through. I feel full in heart to tell you that I am no longer a card-carrying member of Team Courtney.

Lacey: Really?! Lorraine... I... I don't know what to say! Welcome back from the Dark Side!

Lorraine: That fake wedding ceremony complete with Dwight Schrute twine rings was just too much. I have never been so uncomfortable in my entire life. ESPECIALLY since Ben hypnotically went along!!!

Lacey: Right? I cringed the whole time! I almost died when she made that little "and every night" comment and gave him her sexy eyes. I was like, "There's a minister RIGHT THERE, Courtney! Turn it off! For the love!"


Ben is such a skeez. How can he walk through a fake wedding ceremony with a woman, and still act like he gives a hoot about the other women on the show? The entire time he was with her, he had this expression on his face of a man who knows he got a woman out of his league, and now he's just going to make a fool of himself all the way into the finale.

Lacey: I feel the same way. With Kacie gone, there's no doubt in my mind that he's going to choose her. Mike Fleiss shall shout from the roof tops, "LUST CONQUERS ALL!"

Lorraine: hahahahhaha I don't even think those are actually her parents. I think they might be people the producers cast to look like upper middle class white people who only have a faint memory of raising their daughter between botox appointments.

Lacey: I might be able to believe it if Courtney and her mother didn't speak exactly the same. It was kind of creepy!

Lorraine: haha, that's true! touche.

Lacey: That whisper in high-pitch through pursed lips.

Lorraine: And clearly the position of both their eyebrows has been surgically determined.

I felt like I was watching Laguna Beach all over again- she's the child of parents too rich and oblivious to realize that their daughter has been raised by wolves. And the help. I can't imagine her father actually cares if she ends up with him or Flava-Flav.

"Marriage is a gamble, Son! Are you ready to make that bet?" I don't know, but I'm ready to force scissors in my ears to make you stop talking, SIR.

Lacey: You know he practiced that line in the mirror for 3 hours.

Lorraine: At least. I have this great idea where you don't approach marriage the way you approach a craps table, actually. Just a thought!

I think as awful as I feel for Kacie, I feel even worse for Nicki, who is making a great late run at Ben's heart, and who really is too vulnerable and too fabulous to get crushed by the evil. She really grew on me, and I hate the idea of her getting hurt.

Lacey: I thought his date with Nicki was the least awkward. Her family was very warm and kind. He really seemed to enjoy himself.

Lorraine: I thought so too. I really liked her family, and she totally glowed on her home turf. And I covet her new boots.

Lacey: Was it her brother that said, "Hmm. I actually like the guy."

Lorraine: haha, yeah And that was pretty much the only thing we saw of him. Good call. Normal people lay low when presented with Bachelor cameras.

Lacey: Nicki is my last horse in this race. After the first episode I named 4 of my favorites Shawn (oops), Rachel, Kacie, and Nicki. If she doesn't make it into the top two my shame will be complete.

Lorraine: hahaha, who could have guessed? this season has been weird. I don't know what to make of how he chooses these women.

Lacey: Let's break down what went wrong at Kacie's home town. I think her first mistake was introducing Ben to her hot sister.

Lorraine: yup. It was like that time Kate Middleton got out of the car at Westminster Abbey on her wedding day, and then PIPPA got out after her, and everyone wanted to know who the "hot sister" was. AWKWARD.

AND, how awkward it was that even though Ben knew Kacie's parents didn't drink, he still brought them a bottle of red wine. And was the only one to drink it. WEIRD.

Lacey: Maybe he was taking it medicinally to dull the pain of the slipped disc he sustained when Kacie jump-straddle-hugged him on the football field.

Lorraine: that was pretty bumpy. What we horse people might call a failed mount.

Lacey: Ha ha! Also, Kacie's mother must have been cryogenically frozen for the past 15 years or so. She looked so ridiculously young.

Lorraine: hahah, she and your mom must go to the same cryogenic spa!

That was a really uncomfortable date. I get that they have some moral concerns with the whole thing, but I think the time to voice that would be before your daughter goes on National TV and falls in love with a dude. If you had any faith at all in the daughter you raised, you'd think she'd do well on a dating show. So if you have concerns, don't wait til she brings a brother home!

Lacey: I agree. I felt like they really didn't show much respect for Kacie and her own decisions. I think they were definitely right about a lot of things, but they were so cold and forceful and over-bearing about it. I could see why she'd be frustrated.

Lorraine: and frankly, Kacie's father didn't give Ben much choice. He basically begged Ben to dump her right then, unless he was positive he was going to marry her. Ouch.

Lacey: At the beginning of the date, I was getting upset at Kacie for intimidating Ben and making him nervous about meeting her family. As the date went on though, I could see that she was accidentally being honest. She thought she was being funny and playful, but in truth, she gave him fair warning.

Lorraine: yeah, it was probably better not to blindside him. I read Chris Harrison's blog post about this week, and he made a really great point. which is that once Kacie's family, and probably Kacie herself, saw Ben's more "intimate" interactions with the other*Courtney*women, there was just no way that they were living in the same world.

Lacey: That's so true. As disappointed as I was to see her go because I liked her and they seemed to have good chemistry, I think in the long run it was the right thing to do. They just have different ways of living and thinking. They probably wouldn't have been able to sustain the relationship when their core values were so different.

Lorraine: because, you know, Ben is a man skank.

Lacey: Amen.

Lorraine: I think I know what we've been building up to, Lacey, and I'm very excited to talk about what I consider the dramatic and serendipitous climax of Season 16 of the Bachelor.

Lacey: Devin the Horse!!! Carriage racing! Riding gear! Were you in heaven?

Lorraine: I believe dear Devin is a European-bred Welsh Pony/Fjord Mix, known for their incredible stamina, strength, and temperaments!!!! He is a delightful example of top cross breeding, and the perfect bachelor horse. I wish DEVIN were the next bachelor!!!! mwuhhhh huuhh huhhhhh!!! I would be like Shawntelle, and beg my way onto the show via Chris Harrison, until I could claim the horse that's rightfully mine!

Ooooh! Ben's gettin' fresh!

Lacey: Ha ha! He looked like a real sweetie!

Lorraine: I think it's also important to note that Lindzi's parents live in Ocala, Florida, which is kind of the winter Mecca of my people. Where horse people instinctively flock like the Salmon of Capistrano! How could Ben want to marry into ANY OTHER FAMILY after that is BEYOND me.

Lacey: Fun with horses aside, I thought Lindzi's date was very nice and low key and easy. She and her family seem like really good, normal people. I think he felt comfortable there. Again with Lindzi, she's so good at flying under the radar and then suddenly surprising you. She's been the dark HORSE in this whole thing.

Ha! Oh man, I kill myself!

Lorraine: LACEY, stop HORSING around, our bachelor chats are serious business!

Lacey: Why the LONG FACE, Lorraine? I'm just trying to lighten the mood!

Lorraine: I know there's a lot of NEIGHsayers out there, but I think she's got a shot!

Lacey: If we're being honest, it's only a matter of time before she's HOOFING it out of there.

Lorraine: HAY, I'm not giving up on her yet! Even if her makeup is still terrible!

Lacey: Dang it. I think I'm out.

Lorraine: Oh, I had a BRIDLE and GROOM joke yet to work out, but I'm good. I can stop anytime. Really.

Lacey: Ha ha! Well she's a neat girl. While Ben and Courtney are riding off into the sunset, Lindzi will be back in the saddle in no time.

Lorraine: Nah, Courtney just wants to STIRRUP trouble... I'M DONE. I SWEAR.

Lorraine: final thoughts?

Lacey: Oh! Who do you think is coming back next week?

Lorraine: that was weird. I don't have a single solid good guess. An old girlfriend is about the best I can do.

Lacey: It was all voiced over by Courtney about the drama she caused among the other girls. Maybe Emily makes a comeback? I don't know. It'll be exciting.

Lorraine: ahhhhh, that's right. Someone from the past who wanted to warn him? Fascinating. The way they usually like to do all this on the bachelor is bring back some unbiased member of the "bachelor family" who knows a guy who knows a girl who heard from Courtney that she has a boyfriend or whatever. I hope it's VIENNA.

Lacey: It'll be interesting to see.

Lorraine: On to Switzerland! I'm so glad we're finally leaving the island hopping for awhile. well, okay, revision, Belize and Panama aren't islands, but they're tropical, and I'm over it.

Lacey: Me too. I'll bet it'll be so gorgeous! I hope they yodel.

Lorraine: fingers crossed for yodeling! And, more horses wouldn't hurt either.

Friday, February 17, 2012

The Bachelor #7: SHARK!!!

Swim for your life, Ben! Swim! She's right behind you! She's gonna eat you alive and you never even knew she was coming! Well, you did, but you ignored all the signs and warnings. Oh well. You were a boring bachelor anyway.

Lacey: I'm glad you're back! What should we talk about?

Lorraine: ‪Oh boy lacey. an EPIC week in the life of Benjagirls.‬ that's of course their names until he picks his one and only. It's so close I can taste it!

Lacey: ‪It's crazy that we're already this far into it. It snuck up on me!‬

Lorraine: ‪I know, I feel like we went from 9 girls to 4 in 2 episodes. It was a bachelor heart massacre.‬

Lacey: ‪In fact, I feel like the season has been so focused in on Courtney drama, I was genuinely surprised this week to see that he has other relationships. When he and Lindzi were all cozy in the helicopter I was thinking, "Wait. Do they know each other?" It's weird.‬

Lorraine: ‪haha, I have a spoiler alert for you,. He doesn't know any of them! gasp! shock! awe!‬

Lacey: ‪Ain't that the gospel truth.‬

Lorraine: ‪I feel like there are these giant over arching relationship conversations that you have at some point, which Ben has had with none of these people. Like, what do you do for a living?‬

What sort of architecture do you like?

do you eat anything other than champagne?

Lacey: ‪And when the girls pour out their hearts and tell him their tragic life stories, he just sits there silently with furrowed brow, and nods.‬

Lorraine: ‪hahah, that furrowed brow.‬ ‪I am embarrassed at how well I can read his expressions, and how easy it is to tell the second he stops feeling a girl‬

‪But back to Lindzi, I was basically pleased with her date, other than that abhorrent love note.‬ I didn't realize how dependent these people are on having the producers feed them stuff until they had to write something on their own.

Lacey: ‪They definitely should have stuck with the illustration only.‬

Lorraine: ‪ha! TRUTH.‬

Lacey: ‪She got to try the tread water and make out at the same time trick. In later seasons that's going to be a Bachelor pre-requisite skill.‬

Lorraine: ‪that and doing things you don't want to do from very high up and being kissed by a man-ho as your only consolation. ‪I want to root for Lindzi because she's the horse girl, but she is by far the worst cliche offender. "fall for him" "warm fuzzies"

Lacey: She got "The Case of the Butterflies in My Stomach" which was my favorite Nancy Drew novel growing up.‬ Buh dum ching.

Lorraine: ‪hahahahhahah‬ OUCH.

Lacey: ‪Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!‬

Lorraine: ‪(golf clapping)‬

Lacey: ‪Besides her zombie lips and weirdly croaking voice, she seems like a nice girl. And you have to respect her for being so drama free.‬

Lorraine: ‪absolutely. and GOLLY, the makeup just gets worse. Good thing Ben is a dude, because even though we women think she looks crazy, dudes totally don't notice.‬

Lacey: ‪Who was next? Emily?‬

Lorraine: ‪yup.‬

Lacey: ‪What did they even do? It must have been very boring.‬

Lorraine: ‪they had the walking and lobster date, which took me back to the days of Brad and Chantelle, when he took her on all the "fun" dates.‬

Lacey: ‪Oh that's right! And they just happened to meet a local fisherman who volunteered to take them out on his boat. Funny how easily that worked out…

Why must they insult our intelligence by insisting these things are spontaneous? I'll never understand.‬

Lorraine: ‪I hate to tell you this, but of the Bachelor viewers, I think maybe we're the 1%. Those privileged with the ability to see the omnipotent hand of the Producer.‬

Lacey: ‪That's bleak if it's true.‬

Lorraine: ‪and again, even though she is pretending to be totally over it, she spends her whole date talking about Courtney.‬ ‪by FAR my favorite part of the Emily date was the winning Ben quote of "I know smart women don't always like to be called smart, so, you're a beautiful woman." hahahahhahahahaha‬


Lacey: ‪Evidently the only thing worse than the Friend Card is the Smart Card.‬

Lorraine: ‪She pretty much filled both.‬

Lacey: ‪May she rest in peace.‬

Lorraine: ‪Amen.‬

Lacey: ‪Then the date with the Marvelous Manipulative Model.‬ She is so good. She knows exactly what to say to get Ben scrambling after her.

Lorraine: ‪or as coined by Kacie, the blankiest piece of person.‬

Lacey: ‪I loved how indignant all the girls were when that date card was read. They are so fed up.‬

Lorraine: ‪They are so pathetic. They have got to get over it. Notice that the calm, low drama girls have nothing to contribute to this conversation. In fact, Blakeley even said in her post-kickoff People interview that she thought Courtney was nice.‬

it's only the emotionally weak that are getting worked over, and if they self destruct over something like Courtney pushing their buttons, then they're not ready for marriage. Dan leaving his shoes all over the house, THAT'S a button.

Lacey: ‪I have to say of all the dates so far, that is the one I'd want to go on. The massive temple in the jungle looked amazing! I want to go there sooooo bad.‬

Lorraine: ‪It was gorgeous. And I'm sure a whole lot of erroneous history made up about it on Ben's part hahah‬

I thought their little moment at the top was kind of real and sweet. I think her relationship with Ben is as real as any relationship could be on the bachelor, which isn't saying much, but I think she purposefully messes with the girls while she continues doing well with Ben. and their connection is clearly strong.

I get such a kick out of her haha

Lacey: ‪I think her toying with him and keeping him in chase mode is really rotten. But I know we're always going to disagree on this Courtney business.‬

‪At this point I think she's going to win this thing. My only question is why would the producers spend an entire season vilifying their heroine? What is Mike Fleiss doing?! I don't like evil geniuses messing with me!‬

‪Plus she just goes and picks up a TARANTULA?! What is that all about? If I'd seen it I would have run away really far, really fast. If it had touched me I'd have died on the spot. And she just lets it crawl all over her?!? I was hyperventilating just watching it!‬

Lorraine: ‪hahahhahaha, ohhhh poor lacey. by touching a tarantula, they have officially made her your mortal enemy for life. I'm so sorry. It's all so clear to me now!!‬

You should send her a pair of ear hats and make peace with your nemesis!!!

It's the only way!

Lacey: ‪I wouldn't do her the honor of letting her have some ear hats! I hope a million spiders crawl into her ears in revenge for her wrongdoings!‬

Lorraine: ‪LOL‬ Greater words were ne'er spoken

Any thoughts on the group date? I fully support the use of bachelorettes as shark bait. Solid Start.

Lacey: ‪‪I would have panicked for about 2.5 seconds before I realized that those were nurse sharks, which are essentially dangerous looking bottom-dwellers.‬

Lorraine: ‪that little dog and pony show that Rachel made was LAME. Shark nightmares? Really? How convenient.‬

Lacey: ‪Well, she's perfectly entitled to being afraid of sharks in lakes. Ever heard of Bull sharks? They can adapt to freshwater and swim up rivers and into lakes. She's only lame if the lake is land-locked.‬

Lorraine: ‪you know SO much about Sharks!‬ I'm impressed!

Lacey: ‪Don't be. I can assure you it means nothing except that I'm a huge nerd.‬

Lorraine: See, you would do so well on the Bachelor. Men love women who know stuff about sharks.

Lacey: I look forward to Shark Week on Discovery Channel all year long.

Lorraine: ‪confession: When I watch modern marvels, I take notes. I know a thing or two about informational TV geeking, which is what we should really chat about, instead of the bachelor. but here we are.

Lacey: ‪In any case, Rachel's damsel in distress act got her no where.‬

Lorraine: ‪thank goodness.‬ I liked her, but she ruined her street cred as the cool edgy chick right then and there.

Lacey: ‪Why have a nose piercing if you can't dive with sharks? Psh.‬

Lorraine: ‪srsly.‬

‪Kacie really is adorable, and likeable, and I think she will probably go to the final two with Courtney. Their chemistry is great. I hope she has a chance to show a little more depth and maturity when she's at home, though.‬

*Their chemistry being her and Ben, not her and Courtney haha. She and Courtney have made-for-TV-magic hatred chemistry.

Lacey: ‪I agree. It'll be nice to see the girls outside of the Bachelor pressure cooker and be themselves. We may even see a different side to Courtney when she's not tormenting everyone around her. ‬ ‪Maybe she'll stop using 4th grade phrases like "Oh snap" and "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya". ‬

Lorraine: ‪I hope not!‬ It is so funny watching her get under America's skin! the 30 second confessional of her shooting guns? hahahahahha

I want that as my new ring tone.

Lacey: ‪Man oh man. What am I going to do with you?‬

Lorraine: ‪It's going to be a cold, quiet family Sunday dinner this week, I can feel it!‬

Lacey: ‪Maybe we'll just have to leave all things Bachelor out of it.‬

Lorraine: ‪predictions for the Family Episode?‬

Lacey: ‪It looked like one of their dads was skeptical about the whole getting engaged thing. I'm guessing that was Kacie's.‬ Then someone's mom doesn't think her daughter is ready for a relationship yet. Lindzi's maybe?

I love when families throw their kids under the bus. Figuratively, obviously.

Lorraine: ‪hahaha, yeah, leave it to mom and dad to jeopardize your very serious TV relationship! ‪I think you're right that it was Kacie's dad giving them trouble. She is young, I understand why he'd be more nervous maybe.‬

Lacey: ‪Their concerns are definitely valid.‬

Lorraine: ‪No matter what happens on monday, I'm glad there will be horses in it. THAT'S a bachelor episode worthy of my praise!‬

proof that my geekdom knows no bounds.

Lacey: ‪It'll be wonderful!‬

Lorraine: Adieu to the blondes, and on with the brunettes!‬

and...whatever it is that Lindzi did to her hair...


Friday, February 10, 2012

Bachelor #6: How Do I Get You Alone?

Unfortunately, my beloved BaChat partner Lorraine is out of town this week being awesome and stuff. As such, I will strive to march on by posting some of my own thoughts and feelings on each date. I am nothing without Lorraine, but I can't rest until I've gotten this episode off my chest.

Ben and Kacie B.

Kacie B. says, "We'll be completely alone." I say, "Except for the 10 person production team following you around. No worries."

In the beginning of the date they each pulled out the 3 things they would bring to survive on a deserted island. She brought a pocket knife, a bag of candy, and a stuffed animal. Seriously, Kacie? Get your head in the game! This is no time to be cute! This is survival! He brought a fishing net, a machete, and matches. His contributions were way better. Later on when they were eating that poor poor tropical fish, they had glasses of champagne! Now wait just one minute! Who brought that?! Was it provided to them by the magical island? Did they find it buried in a pirate's cove? Did the cameraman bring that as one of his 3 things? These are things I can't just let go.

On a scale from one to wonderful, Kacie ranked the date fantastic. Where does fantastic fall exactly? Is it better than wonderful? Is there a word ranking reference book that I don't know about? I need to get me one of those.

Group Date

I couldn't help but be a little nervous when all the girls jumped into a long motor boat manned by Ben. Maybe he's an experienced motor boatist, but it's never been brought up before. I don't know how comfortable I would be, especially as they were in an eerily quiet and abandoned area of a deep rainforest river. My mind started going all "Deliverance" on me. This date could end in disaster!

Things seemed to be alright, though, when they "happened" to "stumble" onto a little village in the rainforest. They were all taken into huts to change into traditional village garb. We all know that Courtney was the only girl who went full out with no bathing suit underneath. It figures. Even so, I'm not convinced the constant censor blob on her was necessary. The tribal women were wearing them and didn't need a censor block. Those producers are just being dramatic.

Ben went true Scotsman with his outfit too. When they were dancing, his loin cloth was totally hanging out in the back. It looked like a thong. It's in my notes. Just sayin'.

Later on Emily redeemed herself quite a bit by apologizing, I think sincerely, to Courtney. And Courtney continued to prove she's an awful person by throwing it back in her face and being all sorts of jerky about it. Whatev, dude.

I love that Ben didn't show up for a little secret rendevous in Courtney's room. She proceeds to cry and whine that men always leave her and disappoint her and don't appreciate her. I wanted so badly to yell loudly enough that she'd hear me, "They lose interest in you because you dangle yourself in front of them like a plaything, and like all playthings you lose your novelty after a very short period of time because there's no substance! You set the precedence for the expectations in your relationships. You have no one to blame but yourself. And you're mean to people! And you're manipulative! So there! Hmph."

Ben with Rachel and Blakeley

Blakeley was totally pretending to be excited about the two on one. That's a defense mechanism if ever I've seen one. No one, I mean NO ONE is excited for the two on one. This date was actually pretty low-key for me. I just wish I'd been able to pull Blakeley aside and tell her they usually save the tacky, homemade gifts for the final two. Her exit was pretty dramatic. Her flight instinct kicked in and she jetted out of there. But then in a surprise twist she latched onto Ben like she wasn't going to let him go. Poor guy. She just sobbed into his t-shirt like the world was ending. Too bad.

Casey S. Debacle

We got the age old boyfriend back home trick. Not that it really matters. I didn't know this chick's name until this very episode. Chris Harrison said "y'all" at one point while he was confronting her about the guy she's still in love with. I liked it. Ben was uncomfortably no-nonsense when he sent her packing. I feel like she honestly didn't go there to throw a wrench into his "process of finding love", she just made an impulsive, silly decision. Girl needs to go home and be on her own for a while. Her cry could rival Harry and Lloyd for the most annoying sound in the world, but she had really pretty teeth.

The Rose Ceremony

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. That was so sad. So so sad. I was dying inside every moment. Her awkward straddle-sit in the teeny red dress, the kissing instruction, the giggling, at one point I think her hair got in his mouth and he kind of spit it out. It was just too excruciating. She must have felt awful that she'd held on to her dignity for so long only to lose it 20 minutes before being sent home. The good news is her limo driver was wearing a zoot suit. Sign me up!

Finally I'd like to say that Emily's got some mad rhymez, but her delivery is a little lacking. With more work she'd be an excellent white chick rapper. Also, and unrelated, the grammar on this show has always baffled me. Why do they all say "Ben and I's relationship"? It's so wrong. It should probably be "Ben's and my" or the ever less complicated "our". It's a Bachelor disease. This is something Emily should research.

The numbers are dwindling, the end is drawing near. Next week we're going to Belize, which always, without fail reminds me of Carmen Sandiego. Go give that theme song a listen if you haven't for a while. Rockapella rules!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Bachelor #5: Kids These Days

In this episode, Ben shows some questionable judgment, Courtney and her perfect statuesque physique continue to drive me bonkers, and I continually ask myself, "Why, oh why must I watch this show?!"

LACEY. There were BUTTS on the bachelor, and we NEED to discuss them.

Lacey: We do indeed. Thank goodness for the blurs.

Lorraine: hahha, yes, I feel like as it is, I already know way more about the bodies of these total strangers SANS bluriness, so bravo, ABC. But I get ahead of myself. Should we start with the good girls and end with the butts?

Lacey: That's an excellent idea. First- Jamie should never attempt to speak Spanish ever again. Date card SLAUGHTERED!

Lorraine: that was bad. I thought to myself, I speak spanish, but I have no idea what she just said. So bravo to Emily for not only speaking spanish, but also speaking Jamie.

Lacey: Emily uses multi-syllabic words AND has a working knowledge of another language?! She is miles ahead of these other girls.

Lorraine: Too bad she is also fluent in jealousy and self-destructing. Nicki's date was basically pleasant, not terribly noteworthy to me, though I commend her honesty about her divorce, and I commend Ben on his linen pants.

Lacey: He did look quite dapper with his "Latin swagger". I wasn't sure about her dress though, or rather the two gigantic squares of fabric draped over her.

Lorraine: What's ridiculous about the dress she chose is that if it had rained AGAIN, which certainly isn't unexpected, she would have ruined her little silky scarves posing as a dress, and looked even more dreadfulerestness than before.


Lacey: Danger!
They seem to get along very nicely. I'm not convinced their chemistry is through the roof, but I think she'll be with us for a good while longer.

Lorraine: I think you are right. She didn't give him a reason to shout for joy, but she didn't exactly give him a reason to send her packing either. Yay for mediocrity!

Now, I have to give it up for the baseball date. It looks ridiculous on the outset, but in retrospect it might be one of the most spectacular, emotional, healthfully competitive dates in the history of the bachelor. That was good clean American fun, right there.

Lacey: I agree! Those girls were all pretty good. They hit the ball way more than I would have guessed.

Lorraine: I know! put a man's affection on the line and girls might actually start watching baseball.

Lacey: I had to wonder, though. Surely they all didn't just happen to pack little black hot pants, right? They must have been provided by the show. I don't know what Kacie B's excuse for those neon green numbers was...

Lorraine: yeeeaah, there was definitely some carefully crafted costume choices going on by our friends the producers on that one.

Lacey: I felt really bad for Rachel when she got picked last for teams. And for Jennifer when she struck out. Story of my life, girls.

Lorraine: Poor Jennifer. He might as well have just sent her home right then. "You struck out Jennifer. In the game of life, and in my heart."

Lacey: Sad sad day.

Lorraine: How are you feeling about Blakely these days?

Lacey: She's grown on me a little since her baby overall-wearing days.

Lorraine: ha ha!

Lacey: Her little speech to Ben was a little histrionic, but I believe it was heartfelt. She's not so bad. I was impressed by her athleticism. That was a surprise.

Lorraine: Totally! And you know, I kind of feel for her, I hear what she's saying. She's in a position that I can't possibly relate to, which is being judged for her super hotness and her absolutely horrible job. If she actually does see herself in a new way because of this experience, then I saw more power to her.

I think Courtney has said a lot of horrible things in the confessional to get airtime, but I did not appreciate at all her calling Blakely a stripper. Any woman deserves to be labeled something better than that, even (maybe especially) strippers and cocktail waitresses. that's my bacheloRant for the day.

Lacey: I agree.

Lorraine: Anything else to share on the baseball game?

Lacey: The helicopter landed. Courtney said, "Helicopter!" Yes, you're right Courtney. It is a helicopter. Gold Star! I mock you!

Lorraine: Until she said it I wasn't sure.

Lorraine: For the night's lows, we might as well start with Elyse.

Lacey: My biggest beef with Elyse was how many times she said "like".

Lorraine: GUH. About as many times as she said "I'm ready to be married"

Lacey: The question of who or what kind of person she wants to marry didn't seem to be a factor to her. Just that she wants to get it done.

Lorraine: Actually, every time she said it, I started to end her sentence for her with "to a tree."

"I just want to get married" to a tree.

"and fall in love" with a tree.

"I want to settle down" with a tree.

because seriously, bless her heart, she wouldn't know the difference.

Lacey: Ha! It's the truth! I wasn't the least bit surprised he sent her home.

Lorraine: nope. there was no chemistry there. Frankly, when he jumped off the boat I was surprised that he invited her along. I thought he was jumping ship EARLY.

Lacey: She had to ride home on the Motorboat of Shame instead of the yacht. Too bad.

Lacey: When the dude came to pick up her purple suitcase Courtney proved to me, yet again, that she is a selfish, narcissistic sociopath. She has no empathy whatsoever. The other girls were sufficiently saddened to see their friend go, and she was just so mean and snarky! There's no need for that!

Lorraine: hahaha, you are right, there is no need. she just loves the spectacle. she is what my mother would call a "willing circus horse."

Lacey: And this is where the butts come in.

Lorraine: ahhhh yes, the butts.

Lacey: After a little sweet talking and bosom bearing. Gag me now.

Lorraine: Though I must say that she is a stupendous whistler.

Lacey: Remember when she classlessly shifted her robe ever so slightly so as to bare a little cleavage? Ugh. I vomited. 3 times.

Lorraine: You're giving her a lot of credit to say it was ever so slight. It was a rather pointed gesture, no pun intended.

Lacey: Ha ha!

Lorraine: I'm trying to decide how best to breach the subject which is the elephant in the room. They keep saying "skinny dipping", they went "skinny dipping" it was just a little romantic rendevous of "skinny dipping."

I think they did a little more than "swim"

Okay, I don't think. I know.

Lacey: You're probably right. At least he felt crappy about it later.

Lorraine: haha, as most choices like that usually leave a little residual guilt. It's actually his guilt that's the giveaway. Poor Benjamin, the boy with no will power.

Lacey: Though it pains me to say, I will give Courtney a point for not committing emotional terrorism by blabbing it to all the girls. That would have been low low low.

Lorraine: It may yet occur, but I think for now it's more fire than she wants directed her way.

Lacey: She said, "I feel like I'm winning." To me, that sums it up right there. That's all she's interested in. Not Ben, just winning.

Lorraine: You may be right. I think she has shallow feelings for Ben at this point, and Ben's actions around her remind me of the end of the Little Mermaid, when Prince Eric is under that trance by Ursula disguised as the hot girl. If he can't get out from under the spell in the name of love, then he deserves her. which is sort of why secretly, I root for her. If she makes it to the end and Ben chooses her, we'll know what his real intentions were about the Bachelor, and the other nice girls will be free of a total loser. And if he chooses someone else, we'll know he was in it for the right reasons.

Lacey: I'll say this for her, she does make the show interesting to watch. I'm excited to see Ben's reaction when girls other than Emily start calling her out. He won't be able to brush it aside then.

Lorraine: Rose Ceremony?

Lacey: Did you notice Jamie's dress? The pink tin foil she wrapped around herself? There are a lot of questionable fashion choices on this show, but that was one of the worst ones I've seen.

Lorraine: um, I don't know HOW I missed that. I am sure that it was as awful as you say. I was exercycling while I watched, which I feel interfered with me catching appropriate amounts of details, but was also INCREDIBLY motivating. Nothing like seeing 12 other girls in bikinis in Puerto Rico to make you want to pedal just a little faster!

Lacey: Well done! I just started Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and I can barely walk today.

Lorraine: attagirl! we will be bachelor bikini ready in no time! Some parting thoughts on our friend, Jennifer?

Lacey: That was unexpected. I was genuinely surprised about that. And I felt bad because that kind of choky hiccup crying hurts.

Lorraine: oh I know! She made me need to get a drink of water just watching her. Someone get that girl a Gatorade.

Lacey: She seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders. I'm sure she'll survive the "heart break".

One date, honey. It was just one date.

Lorraine: The more I watch, the more I think that these women automatically go into some sort of survival mode thing when they get kicked off. They instinctively blame the sorrow on losing out on the man, the connection, the "falling in love" when the actual feeling you're having is how universally mortifying it is to be dumped by a hot guy on TV.

Lacey: Well, we're on our way to Panama next week. I wonder if Courtney was there last month too.

Lorraine: oh, if she had been, you'd know by now, hahaha