Friday, February 10, 2012

Bachelor #6: How Do I Get You Alone?

Unfortunately, my beloved BaChat partner Lorraine is out of town this week being awesome and stuff. As such, I will strive to march on by posting some of my own thoughts and feelings on each date. I am nothing without Lorraine, but I can't rest until I've gotten this episode off my chest.

Ben and Kacie B.

Kacie B. says, "We'll be completely alone." I say, "Except for the 10 person production team following you around. No worries."

In the beginning of the date they each pulled out the 3 things they would bring to survive on a deserted island. She brought a pocket knife, a bag of candy, and a stuffed animal. Seriously, Kacie? Get your head in the game! This is no time to be cute! This is survival! He brought a fishing net, a machete, and matches. His contributions were way better. Later on when they were eating that poor poor tropical fish, they had glasses of champagne! Now wait just one minute! Who brought that?! Was it provided to them by the magical island? Did they find it buried in a pirate's cove? Did the cameraman bring that as one of his 3 things? These are things I can't just let go.

On a scale from one to wonderful, Kacie ranked the date fantastic. Where does fantastic fall exactly? Is it better than wonderful? Is there a word ranking reference book that I don't know about? I need to get me one of those.

Group Date

I couldn't help but be a little nervous when all the girls jumped into a long motor boat manned by Ben. Maybe he's an experienced motor boatist, but it's never been brought up before. I don't know how comfortable I would be, especially as they were in an eerily quiet and abandoned area of a deep rainforest river. My mind started going all "Deliverance" on me. This date could end in disaster!

Things seemed to be alright, though, when they "happened" to "stumble" onto a little village in the rainforest. They were all taken into huts to change into traditional village garb. We all know that Courtney was the only girl who went full out with no bathing suit underneath. It figures. Even so, I'm not convinced the constant censor blob on her was necessary. The tribal women were wearing them and didn't need a censor block. Those producers are just being dramatic.

Ben went true Scotsman with his outfit too. When they were dancing, his loin cloth was totally hanging out in the back. It looked like a thong. It's in my notes. Just sayin'.

Later on Emily redeemed herself quite a bit by apologizing, I think sincerely, to Courtney. And Courtney continued to prove she's an awful person by throwing it back in her face and being all sorts of jerky about it. Whatev, dude.

I love that Ben didn't show up for a little secret rendevous in Courtney's room. She proceeds to cry and whine that men always leave her and disappoint her and don't appreciate her. I wanted so badly to yell loudly enough that she'd hear me, "They lose interest in you because you dangle yourself in front of them like a plaything, and like all playthings you lose your novelty after a very short period of time because there's no substance! You set the precedence for the expectations in your relationships. You have no one to blame but yourself. And you're mean to people! And you're manipulative! So there! Hmph."

Ben with Rachel and Blakeley

Blakeley was totally pretending to be excited about the two on one. That's a defense mechanism if ever I've seen one. No one, I mean NO ONE is excited for the two on one. This date was actually pretty low-key for me. I just wish I'd been able to pull Blakeley aside and tell her they usually save the tacky, homemade gifts for the final two. Her exit was pretty dramatic. Her flight instinct kicked in and she jetted out of there. But then in a surprise twist she latched onto Ben like she wasn't going to let him go. Poor guy. She just sobbed into his t-shirt like the world was ending. Too bad.

Casey S. Debacle

We got the age old boyfriend back home trick. Not that it really matters. I didn't know this chick's name until this very episode. Chris Harrison said "y'all" at one point while he was confronting her about the guy she's still in love with. I liked it. Ben was uncomfortably no-nonsense when he sent her packing. I feel like she honestly didn't go there to throw a wrench into his "process of finding love", she just made an impulsive, silly decision. Girl needs to go home and be on her own for a while. Her cry could rival Harry and Lloyd for the most annoying sound in the world, but she had really pretty teeth.

The Rose Ceremony

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. That was so sad. So so sad. I was dying inside every moment. Her awkward straddle-sit in the teeny red dress, the kissing instruction, the giggling, at one point I think her hair got in his mouth and he kind of spit it out. It was just too excruciating. She must have felt awful that she'd held on to her dignity for so long only to lose it 20 minutes before being sent home. The good news is her limo driver was wearing a zoot suit. Sign me up!

Finally I'd like to say that Emily's got some mad rhymez, but her delivery is a little lacking. With more work she'd be an excellent white chick rapper. Also, and unrelated, the grammar on this show has always baffled me. Why do they all say "Ben and I's relationship"? It's so wrong. It should probably be "Ben's and my" or the ever less complicated "our". It's a Bachelor disease. This is something Emily should research.

The numbers are dwindling, the end is drawing near. Next week we're going to Belize, which always, without fail reminds me of Carmen Sandiego. Go give that theme song a listen if you haven't for a while. Rockapella rules!


  1. um, I just want to say that I particularly enjoyed this post because you seem to have stolen the words right out of my mouth while I watched this episode...even the Rockapella part!

  2. This post makes it painfully clear that I am only standing in the way of what is your mastery of Bachelorhood. True wordsmith magic, dear cohort.

    PS- Poor Jamie. Poor, poor Jamie.