Friday, February 17, 2012

The Bachelor #7: SHARK!!!

Swim for your life, Ben! Swim! She's right behind you! She's gonna eat you alive and you never even knew she was coming! Well, you did, but you ignored all the signs and warnings. Oh well. You were a boring bachelor anyway.

Lacey: I'm glad you're back! What should we talk about?

Lorraine: ‪Oh boy lacey. an EPIC week in the life of Benjagirls.‬ that's of course their names until he picks his one and only. It's so close I can taste it!

Lacey: ‪It's crazy that we're already this far into it. It snuck up on me!‬

Lorraine: ‪I know, I feel like we went from 9 girls to 4 in 2 episodes. It was a bachelor heart massacre.‬

Lacey: ‪In fact, I feel like the season has been so focused in on Courtney drama, I was genuinely surprised this week to see that he has other relationships. When he and Lindzi were all cozy in the helicopter I was thinking, "Wait. Do they know each other?" It's weird.‬

Lorraine: ‪haha, I have a spoiler alert for you,. He doesn't know any of them! gasp! shock! awe!‬

Lacey: ‪Ain't that the gospel truth.‬

Lorraine: ‪I feel like there are these giant over arching relationship conversations that you have at some point, which Ben has had with none of these people. Like, what do you do for a living?‬

What sort of architecture do you like?

do you eat anything other than champagne?

Lacey: ‪And when the girls pour out their hearts and tell him their tragic life stories, he just sits there silently with furrowed brow, and nods.‬

Lorraine: ‪hahah, that furrowed brow.‬ ‪I am embarrassed at how well I can read his expressions, and how easy it is to tell the second he stops feeling a girl‬

‪But back to Lindzi, I was basically pleased with her date, other than that abhorrent love note.‬ I didn't realize how dependent these people are on having the producers feed them stuff until they had to write something on their own.

Lacey: ‪They definitely should have stuck with the illustration only.‬

Lorraine: ‪ha! TRUTH.‬

Lacey: ‪She got to try the tread water and make out at the same time trick. In later seasons that's going to be a Bachelor pre-requisite skill.‬

Lorraine: ‪that and doing things you don't want to do from very high up and being kissed by a man-ho as your only consolation. ‪I want to root for Lindzi because she's the horse girl, but she is by far the worst cliche offender. "fall for him" "warm fuzzies"

Lacey: She got "The Case of the Butterflies in My Stomach" which was my favorite Nancy Drew novel growing up.‬ Buh dum ching.

Lorraine: ‪hahahahhahah‬ OUCH.

Lacey: ‪Thank you! Thank you! I'll be here all week!‬

Lorraine: ‪(golf clapping)‬

Lacey: ‪Besides her zombie lips and weirdly croaking voice, she seems like a nice girl. And you have to respect her for being so drama free.‬

Lorraine: ‪absolutely. and GOLLY, the makeup just gets worse. Good thing Ben is a dude, because even though we women think she looks crazy, dudes totally don't notice.‬

Lacey: ‪Who was next? Emily?‬

Lorraine: ‪yup.‬

Lacey: ‪What did they even do? It must have been very boring.‬

Lorraine: ‪they had the walking and lobster date, which took me back to the days of Brad and Chantelle, when he took her on all the "fun" dates.‬

Lacey: ‪Oh that's right! And they just happened to meet a local fisherman who volunteered to take them out on his boat. Funny how easily that worked out…

Why must they insult our intelligence by insisting these things are spontaneous? I'll never understand.‬

Lorraine: ‪I hate to tell you this, but of the Bachelor viewers, I think maybe we're the 1%. Those privileged with the ability to see the omnipotent hand of the Producer.‬

Lacey: ‪That's bleak if it's true.‬

Lorraine: ‪and again, even though she is pretending to be totally over it, she spends her whole date talking about Courtney.‬ ‪by FAR my favorite part of the Emily date was the winning Ben quote of "I know smart women don't always like to be called smart, so, you're a beautiful woman." hahahahhahahahaha‬


Lacey: ‪Evidently the only thing worse than the Friend Card is the Smart Card.‬

Lorraine: ‪She pretty much filled both.‬

Lacey: ‪May she rest in peace.‬

Lorraine: ‪Amen.‬

Lacey: ‪Then the date with the Marvelous Manipulative Model.‬ She is so good. She knows exactly what to say to get Ben scrambling after her.

Lorraine: ‪or as coined by Kacie, the blankiest piece of person.‬

Lacey: ‪I loved how indignant all the girls were when that date card was read. They are so fed up.‬

Lorraine: ‪They are so pathetic. They have got to get over it. Notice that the calm, low drama girls have nothing to contribute to this conversation. In fact, Blakeley even said in her post-kickoff People interview that she thought Courtney was nice.‬

it's only the emotionally weak that are getting worked over, and if they self destruct over something like Courtney pushing their buttons, then they're not ready for marriage. Dan leaving his shoes all over the house, THAT'S a button.

Lacey: ‪I have to say of all the dates so far, that is the one I'd want to go on. The massive temple in the jungle looked amazing! I want to go there sooooo bad.‬

Lorraine: ‪It was gorgeous. And I'm sure a whole lot of erroneous history made up about it on Ben's part hahah‬

I thought their little moment at the top was kind of real and sweet. I think her relationship with Ben is as real as any relationship could be on the bachelor, which isn't saying much, but I think she purposefully messes with the girls while she continues doing well with Ben. and their connection is clearly strong.

I get such a kick out of her haha

Lacey: ‪I think her toying with him and keeping him in chase mode is really rotten. But I know we're always going to disagree on this Courtney business.‬

‪At this point I think she's going to win this thing. My only question is why would the producers spend an entire season vilifying their heroine? What is Mike Fleiss doing?! I don't like evil geniuses messing with me!‬

‪Plus she just goes and picks up a TARANTULA?! What is that all about? If I'd seen it I would have run away really far, really fast. If it had touched me I'd have died on the spot. And she just lets it crawl all over her?!? I was hyperventilating just watching it!‬

Lorraine: ‪hahahhahaha, ohhhh poor lacey. by touching a tarantula, they have officially made her your mortal enemy for life. I'm so sorry. It's all so clear to me now!!‬

You should send her a pair of ear hats and make peace with your nemesis!!!

It's the only way!

Lacey: ‪I wouldn't do her the honor of letting her have some ear hats! I hope a million spiders crawl into her ears in revenge for her wrongdoings!‬

Lorraine: ‪LOL‬ Greater words were ne'er spoken

Any thoughts on the group date? I fully support the use of bachelorettes as shark bait. Solid Start.

Lacey: ‪‪I would have panicked for about 2.5 seconds before I realized that those were nurse sharks, which are essentially dangerous looking bottom-dwellers.‬

Lorraine: ‪that little dog and pony show that Rachel made was LAME. Shark nightmares? Really? How convenient.‬

Lacey: ‪Well, she's perfectly entitled to being afraid of sharks in lakes. Ever heard of Bull sharks? They can adapt to freshwater and swim up rivers and into lakes. She's only lame if the lake is land-locked.‬

Lorraine: ‪you know SO much about Sharks!‬ I'm impressed!

Lacey: ‪Don't be. I can assure you it means nothing except that I'm a huge nerd.‬

Lorraine: See, you would do so well on the Bachelor. Men love women who know stuff about sharks.

Lacey: I look forward to Shark Week on Discovery Channel all year long.

Lorraine: ‪confession: When I watch modern marvels, I take notes. I know a thing or two about informational TV geeking, which is what we should really chat about, instead of the bachelor. but here we are.

Lacey: ‪In any case, Rachel's damsel in distress act got her no where.‬

Lorraine: ‪thank goodness.‬ I liked her, but she ruined her street cred as the cool edgy chick right then and there.

Lacey: ‪Why have a nose piercing if you can't dive with sharks? Psh.‬

Lorraine: ‪srsly.‬

‪Kacie really is adorable, and likeable, and I think she will probably go to the final two with Courtney. Their chemistry is great. I hope she has a chance to show a little more depth and maturity when she's at home, though.‬

*Their chemistry being her and Ben, not her and Courtney haha. She and Courtney have made-for-TV-magic hatred chemistry.

Lacey: ‪I agree. It'll be nice to see the girls outside of the Bachelor pressure cooker and be themselves. We may even see a different side to Courtney when she's not tormenting everyone around her. ‬ ‪Maybe she'll stop using 4th grade phrases like "Oh snap" and "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya". ‬

Lorraine: ‪I hope not!‬ It is so funny watching her get under America's skin! the 30 second confessional of her shooting guns? hahahahahha

I want that as my new ring tone.

Lacey: ‪Man oh man. What am I going to do with you?‬

Lorraine: ‪It's going to be a cold, quiet family Sunday dinner this week, I can feel it!‬

Lacey: ‪Maybe we'll just have to leave all things Bachelor out of it.‬

Lorraine: ‪predictions for the Family Episode?‬

Lacey: ‪It looked like one of their dads was skeptical about the whole getting engaged thing. I'm guessing that was Kacie's.‬ Then someone's mom doesn't think her daughter is ready for a relationship yet. Lindzi's maybe?

I love when families throw their kids under the bus. Figuratively, obviously.

Lorraine: ‪hahaha, yeah, leave it to mom and dad to jeopardize your very serious TV relationship! ‪I think you're right that it was Kacie's dad giving them trouble. She is young, I understand why he'd be more nervous maybe.‬

Lacey: ‪Their concerns are definitely valid.‬

Lorraine: ‪No matter what happens on monday, I'm glad there will be horses in it. THAT'S a bachelor episode worthy of my praise!‬

proof that my geekdom knows no bounds.

Lacey: ‪It'll be wonderful!‬

Lorraine: Adieu to the blondes, and on with the brunettes!‬

and...whatever it is that Lindzi did to her hair...


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