Thursday, February 2, 2012

The Bachelor #5: Kids These Days

In this episode, Ben shows some questionable judgment, Courtney and her perfect statuesque physique continue to drive me bonkers, and I continually ask myself, "Why, oh why must I watch this show?!"

LACEY. There were BUTTS on the bachelor, and we NEED to discuss them.

Lacey: We do indeed. Thank goodness for the blurs.

Lorraine: hahha, yes, I feel like as it is, I already know way more about the bodies of these total strangers SANS bluriness, so bravo, ABC. But I get ahead of myself. Should we start with the good girls and end with the butts?

Lacey: That's an excellent idea. First- Jamie should never attempt to speak Spanish ever again. Date card SLAUGHTERED!

Lorraine: that was bad. I thought to myself, I speak spanish, but I have no idea what she just said. So bravo to Emily for not only speaking spanish, but also speaking Jamie.

Lacey: Emily uses multi-syllabic words AND has a working knowledge of another language?! She is miles ahead of these other girls.

Lorraine: Too bad she is also fluent in jealousy and self-destructing. Nicki's date was basically pleasant, not terribly noteworthy to me, though I commend her honesty about her divorce, and I commend Ben on his linen pants.

Lacey: He did look quite dapper with his "Latin swagger". I wasn't sure about her dress though, or rather the two gigantic squares of fabric draped over her.

Lorraine: What's ridiculous about the dress she chose is that if it had rained AGAIN, which certainly isn't unexpected, she would have ruined her little silky scarves posing as a dress, and looked even more dreadfulerestness than before.


Lacey: Danger!
They seem to get along very nicely. I'm not convinced their chemistry is through the roof, but I think she'll be with us for a good while longer.

Lorraine: I think you are right. She didn't give him a reason to shout for joy, but she didn't exactly give him a reason to send her packing either. Yay for mediocrity!

Now, I have to give it up for the baseball date. It looks ridiculous on the outset, but in retrospect it might be one of the most spectacular, emotional, healthfully competitive dates in the history of the bachelor. That was good clean American fun, right there.

Lacey: I agree! Those girls were all pretty good. They hit the ball way more than I would have guessed.

Lorraine: I know! put a man's affection on the line and girls might actually start watching baseball.

Lacey: I had to wonder, though. Surely they all didn't just happen to pack little black hot pants, right? They must have been provided by the show. I don't know what Kacie B's excuse for those neon green numbers was...

Lorraine: yeeeaah, there was definitely some carefully crafted costume choices going on by our friends the producers on that one.

Lacey: I felt really bad for Rachel when she got picked last for teams. And for Jennifer when she struck out. Story of my life, girls.

Lorraine: Poor Jennifer. He might as well have just sent her home right then. "You struck out Jennifer. In the game of life, and in my heart."

Lacey: Sad sad day.

Lorraine: How are you feeling about Blakely these days?

Lacey: She's grown on me a little since her baby overall-wearing days.

Lorraine: ha ha!

Lacey: Her little speech to Ben was a little histrionic, but I believe it was heartfelt. She's not so bad. I was impressed by her athleticism. That was a surprise.

Lorraine: Totally! And you know, I kind of feel for her, I hear what she's saying. She's in a position that I can't possibly relate to, which is being judged for her super hotness and her absolutely horrible job. If she actually does see herself in a new way because of this experience, then I saw more power to her.

I think Courtney has said a lot of horrible things in the confessional to get airtime, but I did not appreciate at all her calling Blakely a stripper. Any woman deserves to be labeled something better than that, even (maybe especially) strippers and cocktail waitresses. that's my bacheloRant for the day.

Lacey: I agree.

Lorraine: Anything else to share on the baseball game?

Lacey: The helicopter landed. Courtney said, "Helicopter!" Yes, you're right Courtney. It is a helicopter. Gold Star! I mock you!

Lorraine: Until she said it I wasn't sure.

Lorraine: For the night's lows, we might as well start with Elyse.

Lacey: My biggest beef with Elyse was how many times she said "like".

Lorraine: GUH. About as many times as she said "I'm ready to be married"

Lacey: The question of who or what kind of person she wants to marry didn't seem to be a factor to her. Just that she wants to get it done.

Lorraine: Actually, every time she said it, I started to end her sentence for her with "to a tree."

"I just want to get married" to a tree.

"and fall in love" with a tree.

"I want to settle down" with a tree.

because seriously, bless her heart, she wouldn't know the difference.

Lacey: Ha! It's the truth! I wasn't the least bit surprised he sent her home.

Lorraine: nope. there was no chemistry there. Frankly, when he jumped off the boat I was surprised that he invited her along. I thought he was jumping ship EARLY.

Lacey: She had to ride home on the Motorboat of Shame instead of the yacht. Too bad.

Lacey: When the dude came to pick up her purple suitcase Courtney proved to me, yet again, that she is a selfish, narcissistic sociopath. She has no empathy whatsoever. The other girls were sufficiently saddened to see their friend go, and she was just so mean and snarky! There's no need for that!

Lorraine: hahaha, you are right, there is no need. she just loves the spectacle. she is what my mother would call a "willing circus horse."

Lacey: And this is where the butts come in.

Lorraine: ahhhh yes, the butts.

Lacey: After a little sweet talking and bosom bearing. Gag me now.

Lorraine: Though I must say that she is a stupendous whistler.

Lacey: Remember when she classlessly shifted her robe ever so slightly so as to bare a little cleavage? Ugh. I vomited. 3 times.

Lorraine: You're giving her a lot of credit to say it was ever so slight. It was a rather pointed gesture, no pun intended.

Lacey: Ha ha!

Lorraine: I'm trying to decide how best to breach the subject which is the elephant in the room. They keep saying "skinny dipping", they went "skinny dipping" it was just a little romantic rendevous of "skinny dipping."

I think they did a little more than "swim"

Okay, I don't think. I know.

Lacey: You're probably right. At least he felt crappy about it later.

Lorraine: haha, as most choices like that usually leave a little residual guilt. It's actually his guilt that's the giveaway. Poor Benjamin, the boy with no will power.

Lacey: Though it pains me to say, I will give Courtney a point for not committing emotional terrorism by blabbing it to all the girls. That would have been low low low.

Lorraine: It may yet occur, but I think for now it's more fire than she wants directed her way.

Lacey: She said, "I feel like I'm winning." To me, that sums it up right there. That's all she's interested in. Not Ben, just winning.

Lorraine: You may be right. I think she has shallow feelings for Ben at this point, and Ben's actions around her remind me of the end of the Little Mermaid, when Prince Eric is under that trance by Ursula disguised as the hot girl. If he can't get out from under the spell in the name of love, then he deserves her. which is sort of why secretly, I root for her. If she makes it to the end and Ben chooses her, we'll know what his real intentions were about the Bachelor, and the other nice girls will be free of a total loser. And if he chooses someone else, we'll know he was in it for the right reasons.

Lacey: I'll say this for her, she does make the show interesting to watch. I'm excited to see Ben's reaction when girls other than Emily start calling her out. He won't be able to brush it aside then.

Lorraine: Rose Ceremony?

Lacey: Did you notice Jamie's dress? The pink tin foil she wrapped around herself? There are a lot of questionable fashion choices on this show, but that was one of the worst ones I've seen.

Lorraine: um, I don't know HOW I missed that. I am sure that it was as awful as you say. I was exercycling while I watched, which I feel interfered with me catching appropriate amounts of details, but was also INCREDIBLY motivating. Nothing like seeing 12 other girls in bikinis in Puerto Rico to make you want to pedal just a little faster!

Lacey: Well done! I just started Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred and I can barely walk today.

Lorraine: attagirl! we will be bachelor bikini ready in no time! Some parting thoughts on our friend, Jennifer?

Lacey: That was unexpected. I was genuinely surprised about that. And I felt bad because that kind of choky hiccup crying hurts.

Lorraine: oh I know! She made me need to get a drink of water just watching her. Someone get that girl a Gatorade.

Lacey: She seems like she's got a good head on her shoulders. I'm sure she'll survive the "heart break".

One date, honey. It was just one date.

Lorraine: The more I watch, the more I think that these women automatically go into some sort of survival mode thing when they get kicked off. They instinctively blame the sorrow on losing out on the man, the connection, the "falling in love" when the actual feeling you're having is how universally mortifying it is to be dumped by a hot guy on TV.

Lacey: Well, we're on our way to Panama next week. I wonder if Courtney was there last month too.

Lorraine: oh, if she had been, you'd know by now, hahaha

No comments:

Post a Comment