Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Bachelor #9: A Few Thoughts and a Big Yawn

First, before we start this madness, I would like to comment that this Fantasy Suite episode wigs me out every season. I just… I can’t… I don’t want to be Freaky Naïve Prude of the Century, but I can’t imagine that 3 women would “sleep” with a dude knowing full well that he “slept” with another woman the night before, unless they are polygamists. I don’t want to believe it! But I do believe it. It’s so awkward and weird and grody to me.

Okay. Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, we’re gonna blog this episode a little differently. Seeing as how this was the slowest, most boring episode of all time, Lorraine and I, independently of each other, wrote down two or three thoughts for each portion of the episode. Then we e-mailed our lists to each other and SURPRISE! A silly, succinct blog post was born. It’s the only way we could think of writing about it without falling asleep. You know your casting has failed when your audience’s most enthusiastic reactions in 2 hours are “Oh ma gosh, the scenery!” and “LAMBIES!!!”

Nicki’s Date

Lorraine: For a minute there, they looked like they were going to die in fiery helicopter flames, but, sadly, they lived. Long enough for Ben to make that “look down and swallow hard” face he makes when he knows he’s sending them home, but wants to keep making out with them anyway.

Lacey: Nicki says, “If I’m ever too much too soon, tell me.” Lacey says, “Honey, if you have to ask, you know the answer.”

Lorraine: Nothing says sincerity and comfort in one’s relationship like repeatedly gigglingly reminding your fake boyfriend that you “dropped the L bomb” on your last date. That makes it so much more genuine and unpathetic.

Lacey: “Are these bubbles?” No! It’s glowing radioactive toxic waste! Don’t get in there, Nicki! You’ll turn into a Ninja Turtle!

Lorraine: Actual props to Nicki for being the only one to come close to really saying what the fantasy suite is all about. She’s been divorced for 18 months. She is REALLY looking forward to this. And that pretty much sums that up.

Lindzi’s Date

Lorraine: If I have to see Ben Flajnik look like a huge pansy of a dweeb from some absurd height ONE MORE TIME, I am going to end it all from some absurd height. SURELY THERE IS SOMETHING ELSE THAT HE IS AFRAID OF THAT WE COULD DO IN SWITZERLAND.

Lacey: If I had a nickel for every time they used the word “vulnerable” on this date… Holy cow, folks, get a thesaurus.


Lacey: We got a little too much exposure from Lindzi on the bed there. She definitely cringed and hid behind the couch as she watched that with Mom and Dad.

Lorraine: You know that Dr. Suess book about Pale Green Pants with nobody inside them? They were Lindzi’s. Cause sister lost her pants.

Courtney’s Date

Lorraine: Props to Courtney for being the only one to say “fantasy suite” the way that “fantasy suite” should be said. Sarcastically. Because that is the worst name anything was ever called.

Lacey: I want her coat and scarf immediately.

Lorraine: Those plastic wine glasses were pretty darn awkward. I think they would have been better off drinking fresh cow milk from a mason jar than whatever was coating those plastic cancerous wine glasses.

Lacey: “Hey Cow!” is my new favorite game. Not.

Lorraine: HOT TUB FOR ONE.

Lacey: The producers wrote Courtney’s script for this entire episode so she’d look like a sympathetic character. Guess what? NOT WORKING.

Kacie’s Dramatic Return

Lorraine: The 20 seconds that it took Kacie to smooth her hair and knock on the damn door. Try to remember that airtime cost ABC about $642,971.

Lacey: I loved her pause outside the door, adjust hair and clothing, lift fist to knock, hold hold hold, almost knock, hold hold, okay knock. You could feel her nerves.

Lorraine: She did it just for the free trip to Switzerland.

Lacey: Dear Ben, it’s usually polite to RESPOND when someone is speaking to you. Blank stares and furrowed brows do not count as communication! Love, Lace.

Bachelorette Head in a Vice Preview

Lacey: Emily says, “My life has gone back to normal.” But not for long! Bwah ha ha ha ha ha!

Lorraine: You should definitely make a woman with a dead boyfriend watch a movie about a woman with a dead boyfriend. In 3D.

Lacey: Titanic seems like it would be the lamest movie ever to see in 3D. Especially while wearing cocktail dresses and talking about TV-made relationships.

Lorraine: Allie, was, you know, really helpful, considering she lasted about a year with her El Bacheloro.

Rose Ceremony

Lacey: His outfit! That’s a lot of clashing plaid, Ben. Get this man a stylist.

Lorraine: Benjamin sent home Nicki because she wore the ugliest dress she could find at Forever XXI to the most important Rose Ceremony of her life. That appliqué made me sad.

Lacey: That is all. No surprises here.

Lorraine: Courtney was on her toes this time. She actually hugged someone goodbye! SHE IS A CHANGED WOMAN!!!!

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