Altering Destiny- UPDATE

I love listening to my iPod on shuffle. I usually think of a specific song I want to listen to, start with that one and then let the shuffler do its work. Sometimes I'll be listening to a randomly selected song that I'm less than enthused about, and simultaneously a different song that I really want to hear will come into my mind.

Then begins a great battle in my head. Do I ignore my desire to switch songs and stay on the path that the shuffling algorithm has set for me? What if the very next song it chooses inspires me or touches my soul? If I switch to my desired song, I just might miss something special!

Or do I succumb to the craving for the song I want at the moment, thereby causing a chain reaction of completely different songs that I wouldn't have been disposed to listen to otherwise? But what if every song it chooses afterward leaves me cold and unhappy?

Do I stay the course and hope for a bright and glorious future? Or do I tempt fate and alter my destiny, for good or evil?

I just really want to listen to Elton John's "I've Seen the Saucers".

UPDATE 1/31/11- I elected to defy the Shuffle Algorithm gods and listened to my song (with much satisfaction, I might add). In an act of vengeance for my lack of respect, they smote my iPod with a mighty blow, rendering it useless to me. Everything was erased! All my attempts to save my iPod were futile. I got error after error after error. So, with much sorrow in my heart, I was forced to restore it to factory settings. I now begin the long journey of recovery. I swear, I shall never stray from the path again.

Bachelor #4: Two-Face and Double-Talk

Meaning Courtney and Emily. A great rivalry begins! Today Lorraine and I debate about the true nature of Courtney the model. Is she merely misunderstood? Or is she a cold, soulless, manipulative, game-playing, Charlie Sheen-quoting wretched human being? You decide.

Lacey: ‪Turns out Utah is the perfect place to fall in love. What's wrong with me then?‬

Lorraine: ‪hahahahahahhaha. you just have to move to park city, learn to ride horses, drop yourself down a cavernous hole in the ground in a bikini, run in the rain, and then make a fool of yourself on National TV, and you TOO can find overwhelming, synthesized, temporary love!‬

Lacey: ‪That's a tall order. I'll get started right away.‬ ‪So what do you think Samantha did to tick Ben off so much?‬ He sent her packing with no mercy. ‪He must have been completely turned off by her ingratitude.‬ She didn't get much camera time. Maybe she was annoying and rude.

Lorraine: ‪well Nicki goes in there and acts gracious, leaves herself completely open and kind, and actually winning a few points from me, and THEN in a perfect show of timing (almost producer made magic timing) Samantha shows up right after her and very immaturely questions him about their relationship. I would have sent her packing in those circumstances too. the contrast between the two women was too much to ignore.‬

Lacey: ‪Definitely. I was kind of impressed with his forthrightness even though it was totally brutal.

Lorraine: ‪Benjamin was like, bible fierce.‬ one swift mighty blow of omnipotent date ending smitage, and sister was gone. ‪she is definitely making my Bachelor Worst of the Night List.‬

Lacey: ‪Did you notice Ben's look of terror as he rode the horse across the river?‬

Lorraine: ‪ahhh ahahha, it was SPECTACULAR!!! I saw the writing on the wall there. I was thinking, oh dear. All Utah horses universally hate water. He is going to do something to unseat that poor poor boy from Sonoma and send him flying, completely ruining the image of a gallant bachelor.‬ But Ben miraculously held on, and regained his gallant Benface quickly.

‪I was disappointed that Lindzi didn't take advantage of the situation to do some stunts. It would have been both negatively dramatic to all the poor angry jealous women, but also been awesome for me.‬

Lacey: ‪She was sitting pretty. She looked great atop her noble steed. Poor Ben. A plaid cowboy cut shirt doesn't make you a cowboy.‬

Lorraine: ‪that it doesn't.‬

Lacey: ‪I'd like to say that Courtney disgusts me. Her baby talk, her subterfuge, her manipulation. Infuriating!‬

Lorraine: ‪haha, well, this is where our little chats are going to get interesting, you and me, sister to sister. Because I have a confession to make.‬

Lacey: ‪Oh no.‬ What?!

Lorraine: ‪Over the course of 2 hours of my life that I can never have back, my heart changed a little.‬ I might be just a little bit team Courtney.

Lacey: ‪Wha..... How...... How did this happen?!‬

Lorraine: ‪I know. I KNOW. I was shocked at my own feelings. Maybe I'm as dumb as Ben on this one. Maybe I have been watching sports with Dan for too long and now have become some sort of perpetual rooter for the underdog. but, honestly, I kind of see where she's coming from.‬ ‪The other women on this season have proven that they are easily pushed to jealousy, to being overly involved with each other, to blowing everything they have with Ben over their feelings with the other girls. And Courtney isn't buying into ANY of it. She's an easy target, easy to hate, and definitely has some unlikeable qualities. But, if I were her, I'd probably hate living with 14 other girls in a house too.‬

And if I were standing in a lake in a pair of waders up to my shoulders and I didn't know how to flyfish, I'd sure as heck be pulling out all the stops to get that boy's attention.

Lacey: ‪I definitely think that Emily showed bad form with the tattling. I think the girls are overly emotional and silly. But my biggest issue with Courtney was how she completely manipulated Ben into giving her the group date rose. She baby talked him into thinking she was pushing him away so he'd scramble to reel her back in. Also, does she not realize that "winning" means you're a crazy crack head? It's just the mean girl mind games that she plays.‬ ‪She has some funny sound bites though. "I thought her head was going to pop off and spin around."‬

Lorraine: ‪hahahahhahahahha. yeah. that whole scene at the end when Emily is self destructing, and Courtney is in the confessional stroking her rose, I almost died, I thought it was so funny.‬ ‪Her behavior towards the other women is completely bizarre and uncomfortable, but I sort of get now that it really is coming from a place of just not understanding other women. Which is sad for her. But I think that women who thrive in the Bachelor setting are kind of creepy, too. So she has taken it to the other extreme, and I have a sick twisted admiration for that.‬

Lacey: ‪At the end though, when Ben announced that they were going to Puerto Rico and she was like, "I was just there 2 months ago" (needle scratches across record) That's more than a little obnoxious right?‬

Lorraine: ‪ That's the thing, her awful behavior is what is growing on me. Really, she's just being her completely awful self now, and not waiting, like Brad did to show his "temper" to Emily until after the show wrapped.

Lacey: ‪The problem is, I don't think Ben is seeing much of her crazy. Only the other girls are. I don't know. I guess time will tell. If she comes out with the psycho and Ben still likes her, I wish her lip biting, hair fondling joy.‬

Lorraine: ‪I think the important thing to remember is that "the other women" won't always be in the next room. if it weren't for the other women, maybe she'd be rather normal, question mark? I don't know.‬ Also, Emily totally and completely lied about tattling, to try and make Courtney look like the crazy one. Bad Emily. Good Courtney for going for the jugular. That was actually my turning point of the night.

if you're going to bad mouth a woman to the man she's vying for, you stick to your words, woman. especially when you looking into the eyes of CRAZY.

Lacey: ‪I thought Emily was a total lame-o. She tried to hide behind wanting to guard and protect his heart. It was total self-preservation when she tattled, and then she wouldn't own up. Emily lost about 20 points with me. But her losing didn't make me like Courtney any more.‬

Lorraine: ‪haha, that's fair. very fair.‬ but their chemistry doesn't hold a candle to what he's got with Kacie B. She's still at the top of my good girls list.

Lacey: ‪I agree. She's so sweet and sincere. She's a good egg, that one.‬ Red-Head Accountant did pretty well on her date too. He was probably swept away by her ability to tread water and make out at the same time. That looked completely unromantic and potentially dangerous. How do they not kick each other?‬

Lorraine: the cave diving was undeniably cool, albeit the multiple near drownings.

Lacey: ‪Had I been down there I would have requested they throw me a life vest.‬

Lorraine: ‪at least some sort of foam noodle.‬ preferably ARM floaties.

Lacey: ‪The Biggest Creeper award goes to the blonde chick who was in the frame in the front row at the concert. Did you notice her?‬ She kept staring and smiling and staring some more.

Lorraine: ‪Whaaa? creepy.‬ it was Shawntel in a wig I bet. comin' back for one more look. ‪while not the most mindblowing date in terms of chemistry, it was still a fun date to watch.‬

Lacey: ‪I think we can all start our countdowns on Rachel. They had little to no chemistry.‬ And it sounded like she had taken a page out of Jenna's "How To Make Say in Incoherent Sentence" book when she was trying to explain her problems in relationships.

*"How To Say an Incoherent Sentence". Wow. Clever joke fail.

Lorraine: ‪no, no fail. you pretty much nailed it on the head, hahaha‬. I'm sure that's actually exactly what Jenna titled her book. "How to make say in incoherent sentence" with the subtitle "communication is and the world with love from before my life and after with the bachelor"

Lacey: ‪And they everly after lived badly.‬

Lorraine: ‪hahaha. yup. I can't believe that he kept her at all after that awkward awkward date, except that maybe Benjamin just likes the IDEA of marrying a woman with a nose ring.‬

‪I would like to compliment Utah on seeming luxurious, picturesque, and full of granola things to do. Also, I want the phone number for Ben's horse. By far the hottest cast member of the night, for me.‬

OH, and Monica! we should say something about her. lay her to rest.

Lacey: ‪Monica got such a weird edit the first night. I was surprised this episode to find her very intelligent and mature and nice.‬ And now gone.

Lorraine: ‪yup. Props to Ben for dumping her 20 minutes from home. shortest limo ride EVER.‬ That HAD to have crossed his mind.

Lacey: ‪So true! Let her go in her back yard.‬ Utah was beautifully represented. ‪Now when do they do a week in southern Utah? That would BLOW THEIR MINDS.‬

Lorraine: ‪So true. But the girls are always such pansies on this show, afraid of heights, wearing dumb clothes, requiring 4,000 thread count egyptian cotton for their sleeping needs.‬ ‪I guess they'll have to stick to the luxurious offerings of Park City. On to Puerto Rico!

The Bachelor #3

Today Lorraine and I discuss Episode 3 of the Bachelor in which the girls threaten to implode and Ben saves the day by showing some sound judgment. Join us as we analyze, rage, and scoff.

Lorraine: AHHHHH!!!!! SHAWNTEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't believe it.

Lacey‬: Crazy right?

Lorraine‬: I love her! Dan had a crush on her Brad's season! I'm watching right now

Lacey‬: I know I liked her a lot too. She made me want to be a mortician.

Lorraine‬: hahaha, great conversation starter for any dating reality show. make the model die. Make the model be dead, and then you or Shawntel (or both of you) can formaldehyde her.

Lacey‬: I'd relish the opportunity.

‪Lorraine‬: oh no, I've started off the bachelor convo prematurely. We're half live-blogging hahah. that's how sick I've become. I can't even WAIT.

‪Lacey‬: I don't know. It makes it kind of exciting! Discussing it with you as you discover it is thrilling!

‪Lorraine‬: I like that Elyse is refusing to leave, haha. I don't think she would have left if Ben hadn't made her. THEY ARE ALL STANDING RIGHT THERE???!! Elyse needs to die. Along with the Normal Nice Model.

‪Lacey‬: Elyse is bug-eyed combative! Minus 10 points for her!

‪Lorraine‬: your scoring method is accepted. ohhh, Rachel. Erika. Monica. Elyse. This is extremely enlightening. Of course every girl doesn't like this. but how you handle it is what proves what sort of person you are.

Lacey‬: I know! It's amazing what insecurity can do.

‪Lorraine‬: Poor Shawntel. Got dumped on TV twice.

Lacey‬: He saved everyone from an A-Bomb of drama.

Lorraine‬: yup. not that I wouldn't have loved to have seen The Nice Normal Model protest her way on to a plane.

Lacey‬: I wouldn't have minded that at all. I had 4 notes written down for the first hour and fifteen minutes of this episode. That rose ceremony really packed a punch. It totally compensated for an otherwise lackluster episode.

Lorraine‬: it's so true. shall we quickly breeze through the first hour? let see...who was the first date again? Hahaha. Oh yes, EMILY! the germ doctor

‪Lacey‬: Oh the date of WAY too many love analogies.

‪Lorraine‬: hahahahahha, I totally wrote down every cliché thing that they said. Ben's list was up to 10.

‪Lacey‬: Ben says "love is all about diving head first"... into a sea of rapidly moving vehicles.

‪Lorraine‬: "I feel like we've taken this date to new heights" ...for the world record of most embarrassing bachelor voiceovers at 2,000 feet.

‪Lacey‬: Then the skiing date. Kacie B. ratchets up her adorable factor about 20 notches with the backwards butt skiing!

‪Lorraine‬: Totally. she EARNED her rose this week. No one handed it to her. It was achieved with exemplary self-degrading butt skiing

Lacey‬: Remember the totally shameless and blatant product placement cars? Real subtle, guys.

‪Lorraine‬: that was terrrrible.

Lacey‬: Then there was the granddaughter leaving thing. That seemed kind of random to me, but props to her for ducking out when she wasn't feeling it.

‪Lorraine‬: I agree, and honestly, I think she outsmarted the show. I definitely got the feeling that Ben chose her so she could either "prove him wrong" or so he could send her packing like he planned. She got to leave with her pride somewhat intact, but you could tell she was suspicious, and that's not a good spot to be in.

‪Lacey‬: That makes sense. Good call. He said he was on the fence about her. She must have sensed it and beat him to it. I also got the feeling that she didn't understand all these women working themselves into a frenzy over some dude they've had 3 conversations with and she didn't buy the hype.

‪Lorraine‬: yeah, I think you're right. like Jennifer saying she thinks she's falling in love?? have they, like, talked? ever?

‪Lacey‬: Exactly. So my favorite line of the night went to Nicki aka Donkey Girl when she was crying about Shawntel being there. She said "She comes riding in here on her high hearse- no pun intended..." Are you sure Nicki? Are you really sure?

‪Lorraine‬: HA!!! Nikki was a walking basket case the whole night. She's another one of those people I've barely seen in the same room as Ben, and she's beside herself because of her jealousy over some girl.

‪Lacey‬: and Courtney's "What's her butt" coming in with a close second. There's a 4th grader in all of us, I suppose.

Lorraine‬: I think my favorite comment was in reference to the Nice Normal Model, according to Emily. "I think she has a disorder. I think she should be diagnosed." I love when all the girls start diagnosing each other with disorders, bwah ha ha. classic bachelor.

‪Lacey‬: Ahh! That was the best moment of my life! Courtney totally tried to manipulate Elyse into hating Lindzi and it completely backfired. Everyone just thought she was nuts. I laughed so hard!

Other favorite moment- Ben says "JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe out here." Courtney says "That doesn't happen every day." True. They've both been dead for decades. Thank you.

‪Lorraine‬: hahahahha, I don't think Courtney knows who either of those people are. as she herself said, smart is boring.

‪Lacey‬: Words of wisdom right there. You listening, young girls?

Lorraine‬: If you want to be a washed up mean girl model on the Bachelor someday, don't go to school! or go, but only to flirt with boys, and then fail ALL the classes!

‪Lacey‬: So do your rankings change at all in light of Shawntel-gate?

‪Lorraine‬: oh, I'm afraid so. Rachel definitely went all crazy girl on us.

‪Lacey‬: I have to say I was sorely disappointed in her.

Lorraine‬: hard to hold her too close to the heart now.

‪Lacey‬: Red-Head Accountant kind of held it together and won best kisser award. Maybe she takes the 3rd place spot?

‪Lorraine‬: oh! she had my other favorite quote of the night!

“he said I was the best kisser. Which I’m not telling anybody” she said into a camera that said “ABC” on the side of it.

‪Lacey‬: Ha ha! Anybody but 5 million home viewers!

‪Lorraine‬: Now on to Park City, where it will become increasingly difficult to get the women sufficiently liquored up!

‪Lacey‬: Drunk drama may hit an all time low, but beautiful scenery is guaranteed. Still worth watching.

A Romp Thru Episode 2

Join my sister-in-law Lorraine and I as we discuss and dissect the most embarrassing show on television, The Bachelor. Don't judge us too harshly.

Lacey: What we learned in this episode: Ben likes small towns, southerners, and women wearing Osh Kosh B'Gosh.

Lorraine: ‪I loved when that little girl was trying to think of what to call it. "the lady...wearing the, the..."‬

and we all knew exactly who she meant.

Lacey: ‪I breathed a huge sigh of relief when she was finally forced into that gingerbread costume. Think of the children!‬

Lorraine: ‪by far my favorite part of the entire show was the 0.5 second shot of Blakely, deep inside the cavernous gingerbread man costume, with her million dollar smile, saying "NIIICE!" when Ben took his clothes off.‬

I replayed it.

thrice.

I want to have it forever in a repeating animated .gif

Lacey: ‪I didn't even notice! I'll have to have a re-screening.‬

‪I've decided that Kacie B. continues to rank #1 this week, especially in light of her baton twirling skills. That was excellent. You can't make that stuff up!‬

Lorraine: ‪This is my overall emotion after watching this episode. Kacie B. and Ben's charming personality combined MIGHT be enough to save him from his horrible, despicable, taste in and judgment of women. Help us, Kacie B. Kanobi, you're our only hope.‬

Lacey: ‪Ha! Their date seemed really nice and low-key and fun. Although, I feel the Producer Manipulation of the Night Prize went to the home video montage of Ben's late father. It made me a little uncomfortable. Too raw. Too personal. Too soon.‬

Then again, Ben brings it up every two seconds, so I guess he's kind of asking for it.

Lorraine: ‪For sure. I would not appreciate being manipulated like that on a date by a Producer. And how, you know, Ben's entire life is apparently images of his dead father, and not a whole lot else.‬

uh...WEird.

Lacey: ‪I was glad when that part of the date ended. I think you're right. I think their chemistry is really natural. I like 'em.‬

Lorraine: ‪the other single date was just entirely bizzare, I almost don't even know what to say about it other than watching her try to pretend to be natural and sweet sort of reminded me of my parent's 3 legged dog trying to jump into the back of the suburban on his own.‬

‪only, when Duke does that, we're all like, oh, poor duke, it isn't happening, but Ben, BLESS HIS HEART, is somehow entirely oblivious to how much it's NOT HAPPENING.‬

Lacey: ‪I thought Courtney was good. She seemed just so nice and sweet and normal. In fact, my mom tuned in for like 3 minutes right during that date and thought she was great. I was like NOOOOO! It's LIES!!! All lies!‬

Lorraine: ‪oh I thought she seemed so bizarre and awkward‬

like, acting, but by a dumb model.

Lacey: ‪The biggest give away of her true nature was when she kept agreeing with Ben every time he said it was weird that she was still single. She kept saying Yeah. Ego much?‬

Lorraine: ‪The truth is, I know so many poor guys like this. Brilliant, charming, successful- and they all fall victim to this same kind of woman because they like to believe that the gaping hole they see in her is "mystery" when in fact, it's just a gaping hole.‬

Lacey: ‪Truths. Now, I have to ask you. Is something wacky with her top lip? An injection gone wrong? Did someone punch her in the face?‬

Lorraine: ‪injection, def.‬

she's got the classic post-surgical duck pout.

If he takes her all the way, he's a mad man. But I actually sort of see her self destructing dramatically mid-season.‬

Lacey: ‪Well she's already alienating the other girls. That usually takes them out of the game sooner or later. Except in that one season that I don't like to talk about, aka Jake and Vienna. And we all saw how that worked out.‬

Lorraine: ‪haha, yes, the cameras disappear and suddenly it all makes sense.‬

Lacey: ‪The signs are there. Pay attention to them or pay the consequences.‬

‪So back to that excruciating little group date we had to sit through... I was actually kind of surprised at how game the girls were. For the most part they were pretty good sports.‬

Lorraine: ‪haha, they were. The donkey girl is cute as can be. She was a fave of mine from that.‬

Lacey: ‪Texas Nicki. She'll go far. I can feel it.‬

The after-party or whatever you want to call it is where it got interesting.

Lorraine: ‪haha, yeah, that part is always so surreal to me. it's just like hours and hours of people in bathing suits getting tipsy and making poor choices.‬

Lacey: ‪Remember that part when he was making out with Red-Head Accountant? Loudest kissing ever!‬

Lorraine: ‪icky icky icky‬

Lacey: ‪And then I think she forgot what show she was on for a minute. She was so appalled when she saw him kissing Blakeley. *crickets.‬

Lorraine: ‪hahahahha, YES! Who are these women? Keep your head in the GAME!‬

Lacey: ‪The rose ceremony got a little dicey. It's already so dramatic!‬

Lorraine: ‪bahahaha, this was the best rose ceremony ever, in my opinion. specifically because despite all the exemplary manipulation, editing, attention to ambience and luxury- those producers apparently couldn't do anything about how cold it was. I have never seen so many skinny shivering girls in my life, hahahaha!‬

Lacey: ‪Get those girls some shawls!‬

Lorraine: ‪I could watch that over and over.‬

cold skinny girls.

Lacey: ‪And then they all died of exposure. The End.‬

Lorraine: ‪there was a number of them you could tell were like "I seriously don't care if I get a rose, I'm cold, Imma die out here in my strapless cocktail dress and sandal stilletos"‬

I would have been the girl that protested and gotten my uggs and a beanie and been like "give the rose to the smart ugly one. right here. evolution wants you to pick me."

Lacey: ‪Ha ha!‬

Lorraine: ‪but the best was Crazy Jenna's "I am in shock." how is that at all even sort of possible? How could you be in shock? How? You've never spoken coherent words to him, ever.

Lacey: ‪But when she said "I'm mortified." Definitely valid.‬

Lorraine: ‪Haha, yes, in perfect Jenna fashion, she swings quickly between reality and the Jenna Parallel Universe of conversations where you only say every other word, and somehow, Ben understands.‬

Lacey: ‪That girl was nutz. I think (read: hope) that the drama level goes down a little bit with her gone.‬

Lorraine: ‪I think so. And maybe Blakely and the Nice Normal Model will die in a tragic international ziplining in bikinies while drinking champaigne incident sometime in the next episode or two. We can hope, right?‬

Lacey: ‪Or an accidental hot tub drowning.‬

Lorraine: ‪I can't believe that HASN'T ever happened on this show.‬

Lacey: ‪Remember when Ben went and found Blakeley in the corner? That would have been so much funnier if she were still wearing the little kid overalls. And a dunce cap.‬

Lorraine: ‪My prevailing thought during that scene was entirely mathematical in nature.‬

Lacey: ‪Do explain!‬

Lorraine: ‪I was so taken by the scale of it- how very large those girls' suitcases were, and how extremely tiny most of Blakely is. I can't believe he was even able to find her shriveled little frame behind that floral monstrosity. I don't think my cat can get in that tiny of a ball.‬

Lacey: ‪As much as she deserved it, I think the girls did get a little "Lord of the Flies" in their Blakeley bashing. They just kept piling it on.‬

Come on ladies, rise above.

Lorraine: ‪oh absolutely, this is what girls do in mass numbers. it's easy to get sucked into, I think‬

Lacey: ‪Lindzi of first impression rose and horse fame needs some help with her make-up. I thought it was so funny that she mentioned she didn't wear much right when I was thinking I want to help!‬

Lorraine: ha! I had the same thought! I hope they get to go on a nice equestrian beach date, so I can live vicariously. and she can show off her less make-upped natural side.

Lacey: The whole flesh-toned lip color situation is not a good look for any living, breathing humans. Only zombies.

Lorraine: HA! that's the color! I thought maybe it was Maybelline Peach Crayon 235, but you're right, it's Loreal Zombie Flesh Help 339. ‬

Lacey: ‪Stop it! I'm dying!‬

Lorraine: ‪I promise when you die not to the let the mortician apply either. just a nice alive-looking rose blush.‬

Lacey: ‪I sincerely appreciate that.‬

Lorraine: ‪But, I might have to special request they bury you in the osh kosh outfit. because then we can laugh to mask our pain.‬

Lacey: ‪I will haunt you, Lorraine!‬

I will come back and make you miserable! Don't you think I won't!

I wouldn't be caught dead in that thing!

Lorraine: ‪as if that wouldn't be terrifying enough, you'd be in that outfit!!!! I take it all back.‬

Lacey: ‪Any other notable moments?‬

Lorraine: ‪I think that does it for me.

Lacey: ‪Do your previous rankings still stand?

Lorraine: ‪yup, Kacie B., Rachel, and the Donkey Girl.‬

well, I'm adding the Donkey Girl

Lacey: ‪I agree.‬

Lorraine: ‪which one is the epidemiologist again?‬

Lacey: ‪Emily, PhD Student.‬

Lorraine: ‪she didn't get much air time, did she? but I liked her originally.‬

Lacey: ‪Despite her serious eyebrow over-plucking problem, I think she'll go far.‬

‪This was a good talk. I think next week will be epic! Ex-girlfriend coming back! Girl fainting! Everyone crying!‬

I'm excited.

Lorraine: ‪woohoo!! synthesized drama to make our mondays! let it live on!‬

I Would Die

If I were the offender in this story, I would not have survived. I would have died of embarrassment, no question in my mind. Can you even imagine? Just reading it made my face flush and head start spinning! Go home, old man, and try to forget. Also, change your ring tone to something a little less egregious.

Ya'll Ready For This?

Because it's happening. Read on.

Lorraine: Lacey. We need to talk. It's important. It's about...the Bachelor.

Lacey: Did you watch?

Lorraine: I did.

Lacey: Me too.

Lorraine: I really want to like the horse girl, for obvious reasons, but the way she spells her name: LINDZI. And, you know, her face. I was surprised she got the first impression rose

Lacey: Me too a little. But she seems nice and pretty normal which means she'll either go far, or be written off by the producers.

Lorraine: hahahha you may have a point there. also, um JENNA!!!!!

Lacey: psycho
She scares me!

Lorraine: my favorite part is actually watching her try to interact with Ben. she hasn't said a single normal thing to him yet. not one thing. "Good Things End Badly" hahahahahhaha

Lacey: It's true. She's unstable. While we're talking about Jenna, let's talk about Monica. Why do they keep casting the "villains" from Salt Lake City? They're giving us a bad name!

Lorraine: hahahaha, I know!
what's weird though is if you go on the bachelor site, they list her as being from california, so I'm pretty sure they're just "accidentally" submarining salt lake on purpose, haha

Lacey: Interesting!

Lorraine: Though I have to say, considering she is clearly a little on the crazy side, she handled Jenna surprisingly well. about how I would have if someone had said, you know, some of those things to me.
I think she chose a perfectly reasonable time to walk away from psycho hose beast.

Lacey: What did you think of the lovefest on the sofa? Are they maybe on the wrong show? Or just physically affectionate girls?

Lorraine: hahaha, that was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I think it was 2 drunk girls who wanted to be on TV.

Lacey: I agree. I was sad he sent Oklahoma cow nuts shotgun girl home. She was cute. Also Shira because she was on an episode of the office once.

Lorraine: hahah, yeah, poor shotgun girl. I didn't know that about Shira! did I miss that in the episode?

Lacey: No. I read it on a comment board and it was true. She played Andy's underage girlfriend.
Very funny ep.

Lorraine: LOL
that's awesome!!! I liked the girl in the disco ball dress. she was stunning. and I like the blond with the bangs, oh what was her name?

Lacey: With the nose piercing? Rachel.

Lorraine: yes! Rachel.
she seems spunky but normal

Lacey: I liked her a lot too. Disco ball dress.... I don't remember her I think...

Lorraine: I'm trying to see if there's a picture, I can't remember who she is, I just remember her dress and that she looked super hot.

Lacey: My favorites were Rachel, Kacie B. (she seemed super sweet), Nicki (divorcee), and Shawn (single mom).
Lorraine: This Girl:

Lacey: YES!!! THat's Kacie B! She's my pick for number one.

Lorraine: right on! lacey, we are winners!
I liked Shawn too, her green monstrosity of a dress was real unfortunate, but I think she can still recover.

Lacey: I was so afraid for her bosoms. She was THIS CLOSE to spilling out.

Lorraine: so close. really close.

Lacey: I hope I don't sound jerky when i ask this, but did you think there were more "interesting" looking women this season than any before?
Jerky. I knew it!

Lorraine: hahahahaha, you are such a good soul, that was the nicest possible way to put it. yeah, actually, that's kind of what I was thinking about Ashley's season of the bachelorette- they are possibly scraping the bottom of the "people who are willing to get married on TV" barrel.

I know America is going down the drainpipe and all, but I still imagine the pickins are slim of people willing to read aloud a card on TV that talks about "the key to a luxury suite for a romantic evening alone", knowing full well that Granny is watching in her lazy boy under an afghan.

Lacey: You speak the truth.

Lorraine: but yes, am I crazy, or is the model not even really all that pretty?
I think she's sort of weird looking.

Lacey: I agree. She's a model with "a look". But I may feel that way because I already know I wouldn't like her as a person. The first thing she does is stick her hands all over in his hair. Gag me. Then she tells him "I'm just really nice and calm and normal". Usually if you have to say it with words, your behavior will soon prove otherwise.

Lorraine: hahaha, it's so true. I loved the description of her given by your green beans blogger. We get it, you're a nice model, who isn't actually nice. OKAY.

Lacey: Any other notable contestants we need to talk about?

Lorraine: only a moment of silence for the girl who I most identified with and who did not get a rose: Dianna. May her single life rest in peace.

Lacey: The candy girl?

Lorraine: She runs a non-prof! her heart is made of gold! cute men make her forget what she was gonna say! CANDY IS THE ENEMY!
haha, yes, so sad.

Lacey: I know. Bless her. She seemed like a sweetie.

Lorraine: I remember watching and thinking, omg, that is totally what I would do if someone made me go on the bachelor and try to flirt with a stranger.
crash and burn.
repeatedly.

Lacey: Yeah. She definitely got a few "bless her hearts" from me. She had a rough time in Bachelor town. Some people just aren't cut out for it.

Lorraine: yup. it's for the people who are charming, quick on their feet, total drunks, and always sound good when there is a camera 12 inches from your noggin. it's not for everyone.
Before getting married, I kept hoping they'd make a nerd version of the bachelor, featuring a park ranger. I would have done it.

Lacey: If they had a chemical engineer who liked (or tolerated) the arts I'd join up in a heartbeat. He'd have to be willing to listen to me do dramatic readings of Poe by lamplight.

Lorraine: haha! seriously, ABC is missing the real money boat, here. brilliant nerds dorking out at dodgy museums, attending coke bottling factory tours, and reciting ancient verse in iambic pentameter, or better yet, in latin.

Lacey: Can you imagine how delightfully undramatic that season would be? Some might call it "boring". I would call it "bearable".

Lorraine: it would be so bearable that Dan would watch it without having to pretend like he wasn't watching it.

Lacey: Ha ha!
How can we make this happen? In my dreams.

Lorraine: hey man! we know SO MANY people with cameras. Choose a Nott brother, any Nott brother.
we'll make our own!
if only I knew more chemical engineers. or park rangers. therein lies the rub.

Lacey: Oh man. It would rock. You know what we should do? Have a Bachelor g chat every week and then post them on our blogs. Funny and embarrassing.

Lorraine: hahaha, I FULLY support this. I love horrifying people with my enthusiasm for bad television.
LOL, reading back through our conversation and seeing that I referenced "the bachelor website" and I died. this is a ghost typing.

Lacey: I referenced a message board. What's worse?

Lorraine: both equally bad. Post it.

Lacey: Really? This is a big decision. Do we really want the world to know even our most pathetic thoughts and opinions about THIS? Is this how we want to be defined?

Lorraine: I think it's important to remind people that the neatest people you'll meet in life are the walking contradictions. This doesn't define us, it gives us....color.
verve, if you will.
But maybe just to be safe, we should post something about the middle east peace crisis right after.

Lacey: Yes. Oh man. This is really happening.

Lorraine: Our gchats will be a gift to mankind Lacey. don't look back.