Srsly?

Dear Benny Mardones,

You belong in jail.

Creeper.

The Gambler

My first gaming experience is hereby documented below, fittingly set to the tune of Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler".

On a hot summer’s day, on the Fun Bus to Wendover,

I met a gal name Bronwyn, who led us all in fun.

She gave us cards for Bingo, and I almost won the Blackout.

It was all too much to handle when she me splashed me with some pop.

When we finally reached the city on the far side of the desert,

We got off at Montego, ready to play the slots.

I didn’t know what I was doing, I’d never been a gambler,

But my luck it started turnin,’ when I sent out upbeat thoughts.

So, I gathered up my courage, and bet a little higher,

I bought a few more lines to read, for nickels and some dimes.

A wonderful thing happened, I was winning back my money,

And soon I was into the black and havin’ a real good time.

You gotta know when to pull ‘em,

Know when to up ‘em,

Know when to walk away,

Know when to sit.

You gotta read those funny

Names they give the machines

And choose the one that’s callin’

From across the room.

I was up a couple dollars, and I fixed on cashin’ out,

The machine was finished givin’, it was sending out that vibe.

Then a quick game of billiards, I was just about to lose it,

Then my luck it flipped, I sunk the 8, then I danced a jive.

Feeling super duper awesome, I knew the time for playin’

The slots again was on me, so I viewed the floor.

I spotted the machine, I believe called “Pharaoh’s Treasure”

I started up, I pulled the arm, and I won $8 more.

At the final casino, I sat down to a new one.

I knew I didn’t deserve to win, I'd already won .

For the sake of the experience, I went ahead and did it,

And don’t you know, gained 8 bucks more, then I was done.

You gotta know when to pull ‘em,

Know when to up ‘em,

Know when to walk away,

Know when to sit.

You gotta read those funny

Names they give the machines

And choose the one that’s callin’

From across the room.

Adventures in Archery

I've been practicing with my sweet bow.  I'm getting better at it.  I hit the target about 75% of the time.  Good, not great.  I've only had a handful of problems with my new hobby.  I've caught the backlash of the string on my arm a couple of times, which hurts reeeeaaal bad and leaves a big nasty bruise, but it goes away.  I've also lost a few of my arrows in the grass, but with a little time and a metal detector, I have reclaimed most of them.  There's only one situation that sticks in my mind as a lesson in why I maybe shouldn't have a bow in my possession at all.

It was almost dusk.  My brother, Dylan, and I were in the backyard at my parents' house practicing with my bow, shooting at a target at one end of the lawn from the other.  We were about done for the night, when a realization hit.  I hadn't arced an arrow yet and I wanted to try it.  My folks live on a 5 acres of land, so I thought I'd have plenty of room.  I removed the point of the arrow just in case.  I angled my bow to maximum distance potential, like an ultimate Angry Birds shot, drew back and let that sucker fly.

And fly it did, all the way across my parents' field, backyard, front yard, across the street and into the neighbors fenced-in horse corral.  Dylan and I went tearing across the yard.  "Did you see where it landed?!" I shouted to Dylan, who was a few steps ahead of me.  We paused at the high fence, straining our eyes.  "There it is."  He pointed to the arrow sticking straight up from the ground about 25 yards from the fence.  Dylan started scouting the fence as though he were planning to go over and retrieve the arrow.  "But there are no foot holds on the other side, just wire.  How will you get back over?" I asked.  We thought for a moment.  What other option did we have?  I couldn't very well go over, knock on the door and ask the homeowner, "Excuse me, can you go get my powerful, dangerous arrow that I could have accidentally shot your horses with?"  

Dylan insisted he could do it, so he climbed over the high fence, walked over and pulled up the arrow and started walking back.  Suddenly, I noticed something moving from the corner of my eye.  I looked toward the neighbor's house in the distance where I beheld and big black dog running around from the side of the house, growling and galloping full force, teeth bared.  I started yelling at Dylan to run!  Run for your life!  He glanced back and saw the imminent danger.  It was like rocket boosters had gone off in his shoes, but the distance between him and the heathen dog closed in with every second.  Dylan reached the fence and leapt, but he didn't quite make it over.  He held onto the top for dear life and finally wrenched his body weight up and over and tumbled to the other side with a thud.  I grabbed his arm and pulled him up.  Looking back at the house, I could see the neighbors had come out and were milling around.  We walked back across the street, acting as casually as we could.  We finally had time to asses the damage.  He had scraped his leg up and it was all my fault for being stupid and foolish.  At least he hadn't been torn to pieces.  

The adrenaline didn't subside for about an hour.  I was so mad at myself and apologized to Dylan about a million times.  He said it was fine, it made a good story and nothing bad happened, so let it go.  Sometimes I still can't get over how irresponsible that was!  I NEVER do crap like that.  Ever.  These are usually the kinds of pickles that 13 year old boys get into, not people in their late 20s.  Don't you fret, though.  I have taken a solemn oath never to underestimate the power of my bow ever again, and if I do want to shoot for distance I'll go find a place out in the west desert where no person or property can be harmed.  Promise.

A New BaChat Awaits!

If you can stomach it, don't forget to check out the BaChatlorette blog.  It's crazy.  It's weird.  It's terrifying.  It's sweet.  Wait.  Never mind on that last one.  In any case, it's fun! 


Lorraine and I discuss bad tempers, health foods that are all the rage, and one of the biggest jerks ever.  Most importantly, we need your help settling a crucial question once and for all.  Click on that there link.

Episode 3: Arie You Ready?

Dear Readers, having been an insane week for both Lorraine and I last week, we didn’t get to chat it out the way we usually like.  Just in time for a new episode tonight, I offer this quick review on last week’s exciting episode.  It was good one!  Emily gets insulted, a front-runner emerges, Sean takes off his shirt!  It’s all too good to let go.

We start the week off with everyone’s favorite kind of date!  The “let’s climb something really really tall and pretend to be scared and then make cliche love analogies” date.  This stuff never gets old!

Bobble-Head’s and Emily’s conversation had a couple terrific awkward moments.  For example, Emily says, “If I saw you from across the room, I would not talk to you.”  Uh…okay.  Real smooth, Em.  Or how about her complete lack of poker face when he told her his age?  Or my personal favorite from Bobble-Head, “I’m only 25, but I’m a man!”  No matter.  After clumsily respectfully asking her permission, he scores the season’s first kiss.  Awww!

Emily’s friend Wendy pretty much stole the show on the group date, bringing us some lovely gems, such as calling Stevie Soul-Patch “Jersey”, exploiting Sean by making him take off his shirt and do push-ups while sitting on him, teasing Travis about the egg.  She goes for the jugular.  I appreciated that.  And her side ponytail.

Now, where Beefcake got the gall to interrupt Emily’s conversation with her friends and then offer commentary on the completely hypothetical weight gain of a size 0 woman- again, in the presence of other women- is beyond me.  His attitude is so gross to me.  “I just wouldn’t love on you as much.”  To threaten to withhold affection… just ew.  There are no words.  Dude’s a d-bag.

Doug wins the friends’ approval and The Sob Story of the Year contest.  His story was actually maybe the saddest I’ve ever heard on this show.  Apparently his mom walked out on the family, then his dad died, and Doug and his sister got passed around from foster home to foster home.  If he came through all that to become the stand-up guy he appears to be, that is truly amazing.  I just hope he’s not hiding all the angst and anger underneath. 

Poor Tony was missing his son so much it was painful to watch.  She mercifully sent him home in the most confusing, roundabout way; I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on.  She was so gentle that I thought maybe he wouldn’t get it.  Fortunately he did, and he seemed genuinely relieved to be leaving the situation and going home. 

Emily takes Arie to Dollywood, which is now officially on my list of places to go before I die.  Emily was exactly right on when she said of Arie, “He’s good-looking but doesn’t look like he tries too hard.”  Dolly came out on stage and surprised Emily to the point of speechlessness.  I’m not sure Arie knew who she was.  Dolly played them a couple of songs as they danced.  Then Arie kissed Emily on the forehead and I MELTED THROUGH THE FLOOR.  Then they made out on the carousel and I died. 

After dinner it was rose time.  Emily shocked me with her sense of humor yet again when she totally faked Arie out.  She listed all the good things about him and then added the dreaded, “But…” Shocked, he said, “But?”  Then she paused, he turned really red, and she finally started laughing and gave him the rose.  I like her more and more.  It was an excellent date.  Honestly, it didn’t annoy me even one time.  That NEVER happens.  Arie for the win!

Cute Moment Alert!  Rickie says Emily’s perfume smells like Mindy’s house.

We then experience one of the weirdest cocktail parties of all time.  Emily totally gets Pavelkaed by Kalon.  “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.”  Oh no you did not!  A flash of rage passes over Emily’s eyes, but ever the lady, she lets it go with an, “Okay.”  Two thumbs WAY down, Kalon. 

Then Alessandro Helmet Head crashes and burns.  Evidently during his chat with Emily’s friends he admits to having a one-night stand and cheating on a woman with his cousin.  He tells Emily that marrying her would be a big compromise for him because of her daughter.  Alessandro, please stop talking.  Displeased, Emily kicks him to the curb in her combat boots.  But don’t you fret.  Arie was there with a supportive arm around her shoulders and sweet kisses.  Why don’t we just end the show now, am I right?

The night ends with Soul-Patch going home.  It’s fine, I guess.  I just don’t know why two men who blatantly disrespected her are still there.  Soul-Patch was lame, but at least he wasn’t a jerk.  Oh well.  Beefcake and Kalon will get theirs.

See you later this week with complete commentary on Episode 4!

Episode 2: Of Muppets and Men

Hello friends!  I told you it was coming and it came!  Here is the link to Lorraine's and my new, exclusively BaChat blog.   There's so much good stuff to talk about/mock this season, that we decided we just had to chat it out and share it with those of you who love to hate this show as much we do.  So click and enjoy!


BaChatlorette

Episode 1: The Hunt for Fiance #3 Begins!

Lorraine and I are a little late to the party to start this season off, but we have high hopes that it'll be a good one.  Join us again this season as we chat the Bachelorette, or as we like to call it "BaChat".  Check out our brief initial thoughts on the very first step of beautiful Emily's journey to find true and everlasting love.  I hope she gets that minivan full of babies and a post-7:30pm partner out of this.  She's so lovely.

Lorraine:  ‪I assume you have watched the bachelorette.  ‪I just had to comment on the fact that she totally sent home the black dude. not even a token week so she doesn't maybe look like a southern belle. With producers in the background pleading "Emily, we have a LAWSUIT on our hands, give the brother a chance!!!"‬

Lacey:  ‪I know!  And he was a handsome guy too!  At least she kept a couple Latinos.‬

Lorraine:  ‪hahaha, yes, bless her heart. even if one of them was rocking some sort of...hair tendril? mullet curl?‬

Lacey:  ‪The mushroom farmer?  It was all his sweet sweet whisperings in the language of love.‬

Lorraine:  ‪totally.‬ speaking of hair, the Daniel lookalike is my 2 to 1 favorite, for obvious reasons.

Lacey:  ‪Wait.  The Daniel lookalike?  Who?‬

Lorraine:  ‪I think his name was mike? with the shoulder length flowy shiny hair?‬  the ringer for your brother my husband?

Lacey:  ‪Oh the Long-Hair.‬  I didn't notice that he looked like Dan.  I'll have to take another look.

Lorraine:  ‪http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/bio/michael/965116.  if he had blue eyes and glasses, totally.  he even likes giant sweaters!!!

Lacey:  ‪He does a little!

Lorraine:  ‪they gave her hardly any blondes, which is weird since it seems like Brad was kind of her type.‬

Lacey:  ‪It's true.  There's only one!‬  ‪I'd like to throw my personal favorite bachelor out there, Aaron the biology teacher.  Oh my gosh, he looked so dorky!  Just how I like 'em!  Cheesiest opening line, square glasses.  I'm a fan.‬

Lorraine:  ‪ooooh yeah, I thought he was presh‬

Lacey:  ‪I think she's got a great group of guys.  I really do.  Once we get rid of painfully awful Kalon it should be smooth sailing.‬

OOOOH- Arie the racecar driver is gorgeous!  The producers are awful for putting him in there, but I'm glad they did!

Lorraine:  ‪totally. love arie.‬

and Joe, I don't like Joe either. too greasy.

Lacey:  ‪And obnoxious.  Fist pump!  Yes!!!  Emily!!!! Woo!  Yeah!!!!‬

Dude.  Chill.

Lacey:  ‪And lest we forget we have a "singer/songwriter" in the mix.  Not only did his song suck, but almost definitely *not there for the right reasons*.‬

Lorraine:  ‪hahahaha‬  there are some BAD eggs in this season. but Emily seems like kind of a spitfire now that she's at the wheel, so I'm not worried about her.

Lacey:  ‪I could really get used to the hour-and-a-half episode thing.  That rose ceremony MOVED.‬

Lorraine:  ‪clipped right along there, didn't it? I was wondering why it seemed shorter!‬

Lacey:  ‪Oh yeah.  They should do that more often.‬

Will you hate me if I say that the two sided note bit was totally charming to me?  When he pulled out a note I was prepared for a hideous poem.

Lorraine:  ‪hahahha, no I thought that was funny, who did that again?‬

Lacey:  ‪I think the former pro football player.‬  I could be wrong, but I think it was him.

Lorraine:  ‪ohhh yeah‬.  I think you're right.  no, I was utterly charmed by that, I thought it was one of the better intros

Lacey:  ‪Hey!  They cast kind of an interesting normalish person from Salt Lake!  Besides the hair thing and the entering on a skateboard thing, he seemed like a cool person.‬

I was surprised for some reason when she said Jef with one F smelled good.  At least he's not a psycho.

Lorraine:  ‪hahaha, yeah, I'm actually really familiar with his company, People Water.‬  He's a UVU grad.

Lacey:  ‪Really?‬  That's so cool.  Represent!

Lorraine:  ‪I kind of dig his whole vibe. A bit of a hipster, but memorable, cool‬

Lacey:  ‪Yeah.  I like him.  He may go far.‬

Lacey:  ‪I'm glad she got rid of Mr. Eyebrows, Old Man River, and Testosterone Boy.‬

Lorraine:  ‪LOL‬ that is forever their names.  yeah, that one dude seemed like, REALLY old, right?

Lacey:  He was like in a completely different stage of life.  6 kids?!  At first I thought he was joking and he was going to show her pictures of his dogs or something.  But no.  He meant it.‬

Lorraine:  ‪hahaha, yeah, that was weird.‬  interesting choice, ABC

oh lacey, what is wrong with us? Why do we like this show so much!?

Lacey:  ‪I don't know!!!  Up until 5 minutes before it started I was telling everyone I'm not watching this season!  But I'm like a moth to a flame!  I just can't help myself!‬

Lorraine:  ‪how could we possibly not watch Emily's season, Lacey? We'll just watch ONE MORE, and then we'll stop.‬

Lacey:  ‪Right.  Yes.  One more.  And then I'll be done forever!‬  I mean it this time!

Lorraine:  ‪yeah!‬

Lacey:  ‪What do you think about blogging it this season?

Lorraine:  ‪hahah, you know what I think we should do is start a blog unto itself where we BaChat, so that people who love our chats can religiously read, and people like my grandma can stop asking me why there are pictures of girls in hotpants on my blog hahahahah‬

Lacey:  ‪That's not a bad idea.‬  Not a bad idea at all.  Should we do it?  I mean do you enjoy it?

Lorraine:  ‪Lacey.‬

who chatted who today to talk about Bachelorette for an hour? WHO?

this girl.

this one right here.

If we didn't blog it, we'd still do this every week.

we might as well share our creative mockery with the rest of the world.

Lacey:  ‪That's the truth.  Either way we'll always chat it out.‬

Lorraine:  ‪AND THEN NEVER WATCH AGAIN.‬

this is the last season! really!

Lacey:  ‪No seriously.  This is it.  Absolutely the last.‬

Definitely.

Lorraine:  ‪uh huh.‬

Lacey:  ‪yeah‬

Lorraine:  ‪I just need one more fix.‬

season

I meant season.

I am not addicted.

Lacey:  ‪Alright.  Let's do this thing.‬

A link for BaChat the blog will be coming soon to a computer near you!  See you next week!

How Do I Live?

I'm such an embarrassing person I sometimes wonder how I've survived in this world.  Not only that, but how I've managed to learn to live with myself and really enjoy an almost normal life.  Yesterday I went to the drive-up ATM at my bank.  I pulled up really close to it because I hate when I'm hanging out my window to complete my transaction.  I reached my hand out the window to insert my card, realized I had it the wrong way, and started turning it when a big gust of wind picked up and blew my card right out of my fingers and sent it flying out in front of my car.  Then I made this face:

I began to open my car door to retrieve the card, but I was too close to the ATM to get enough space to respectably climb out.  I sucked in and awkwardly made my way around my car door, squeezed along my car and picked up my card.  I looked up at the guy in the big red truck waiting in line behind me and gave a sheepish half-smile.  He drooped his head in embarrassment for me.  I squeezed and wriggled my way back into my vehicle, finished my transaction, and sped away.  Then I noticed a dull pain in my back.  Of course I would pull a muscle withdrawing cash from an ATM.  Because it wouldn't be me if everything went smoothly.

Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse

#1-  Obtain a silent but powerful weapon.  Check.

#2-  Master said instrument of destruction.  In progress.

The Bachelor Finale: We Can Work It Out

This is it, my friends. It's been a long, hard season but we've made it to the end. I just want to know how we got through this entire "journey" without Lindzi revealing that she's one of the Elves of the Woodland Realm. Bet she's kicking herself for not disclosing it earlier on. Dude wouldn't have been able to resist her. Now he's got an ice queen instead and I don't think he knows what to do with her.

Lacey: Alright. Let's do this thing. Shall we start at the very beginning? It's a very good place to start.

Lorraine: yes!

Lacey: Here we are in beautiful Zermatt, Switzerland, the majestic Matterhorn standing in the distance. Disneyland's is better. It's got bobsleds and Abominable Snow Monsters.

Lorraine: And in disneyland you won't have to pull out a translation guide to get to the bathroom.

Lacey: So true. Joking aside, the scenery really is spectacular. Every camera shot they set up had the mountain in the background. Overkill?

Lorraine: just in case anyone forgot where they were. it's very orienting after the dozens of beach resorts. Lets get to it, Lindzi, or as I would like to call her, Princess Horsegirlforkdropper

Lacey: I loved that! So adorable. Nervous much? I thought she got along with Ben's family really really well. She and Sister were like pals out there on the balcony.

Lorraine: Still, the worlds most uncomfortable conversation.

that reminds me, I've been meaning to tell you the past two years or so: remember that time that I came and re-met all the Jacksons as Dan's girlfriend for Sunday dinner, and you did not at any point take me out on a balcony alone and question my intentions? THANK YOU!!!!! xoxoxo, love New Sibby.

Lacey: I seriously thought about it, Lorraine. I had a lot of tough questions for you that night...

Lorraine: hahaha

Lacey: I decided to let you settle in a little before the grilling started :)

I'm sure Courtney was the last thing Lindzi ever wanted to talk about, but didn't she handle it beautifully? She's a class act for sure. She had every opportunity to throw Courtney under the bus and she didn't. She was honest, but didn't rant and rave.

Lorraine: I have written in giant scary letters on my scratch pad "DON'T DO IT, LINDZI" and I couldn't remember why, and then I remembered, it was that thing. I was worried she would really go to town on her. I thought she could have shown a little more grace, but she certainly behaved better than the majority of other women towards courtney.

Lacey: Doesn't slander or gossip= nice girl. All she said was "She's different from me." There's nothing mean in that at all. 10 points.

Lorraine: which is by the way, exhibit A of why it's good she's not with Ben. She's too sweet, too demure.

Lacey: I loved Sister when Ben was talking about Courtney. "She's a model?! Seriously, Ben?" And she sensed that antagonizing all the girls was a red flag. Too bad she switched camps by the end. Drat!

Lorraine: Frankly, the whole experience of Ben with Lindzi and his family left me just feeling so Vanilla. The only other VERY important thing I have to say about the date with lindzi is that during the horse and carriage scene, they totally inserted a fake horse neigh, and it was embarrassingly bad. That is all. It was Lindzi's OMEN. FAKE NEIGH, FAKE LOVE, LINDZI.

Lacey: Wasn't that on their date?

Lorraine: yes. oh darn, I skipped ahead, didn't I?

Lacey: I honestly can't remember/

Lorraine: darn notes, that's the last time I write in circles.. we should have done this on tuesday when it was fresh hahaha but I was scared. Scared of the Lacey Wrath. So okay, Courtney's family visit is next?

Lacey: Yes. I don't know what she did to brainwash them, but she won them over.

Lorraine: Well, she was normal and charming and interesting the whole time. so that was probably it.

Lacey: It drove me crazy when she was talking to Sis how she always always always paints herself as the victim!

Lorraine: they couldn't have known any different.

Lacey: "I really tried, really made and effort to get along with the girls." Boo! Opposite Day!

On to Lindzi's date. I just kept thinking I wish I had a cute dimple.

Lorraine: ohhhhh, speaking of opposite day. I kept thinking her dimple made her look a little bit disfigured.

Lacey: No way! I love dimples.

Lorraine: WHY ARE WE OPPOSITE, LACEY?

Lacey: Dimples are cute, Lorraine.

Lorraine: some of them are. absolutely. hers is weird. and asymmetrical.

Lacey: Alright, that's it. DEAR READERS: Vote in the comments section below. Is Lindzi's dimple cute or disfiguring?

This is the only way to solve this, Lorraine.

Lorraine: I accept your terms. now can I talk about the inserted horse sound?

Lacey: ya

Lorraine: It was SO FAKE! Lacey, that neigh belonged to a horse at least 400 pounds that percheron's junior. That's all. I'm done.

Lacey: I'll bet you and Lindzi were the only ones to notice.

Lorraine: it's all part of the artificial magic

so I had kind of an epiphany during their "humble abode" visit after dinner, which is sort of a ridiculous epiphany, but still: that rather intimate scene when they're on the balcony and declaring their love? There are AT LEAST three cameras on them. I counted.

not the same camera in 3 places at three different times, THREE CAMERAS.

how do you...I don't even... there are more camera men on the balcony than people in love!

Lacey: I guess now that they don't have a house full of psycho girls to film, they put all resources into making it difficult for fake lovers to stay focused.

Lorraine: well, usually Courtney does the unfocusing for them, by jumping into a pool in a white bikini.

Lacey: I found it difficult to watch this date because it was so painfully clear to me that Ben had no feelings for Lindzi. In the gondola and again at the hotel, she was saying all these sweet things to him. All he did was preach at her about "opening up" and "being vulnerable". He was seriously bugging.

Lorraine: yup, he just wasn't that into her.

Lacey: Also this gem: Lindzi "This is the first time I've been so sure about something." Ben "...uh huh..."

Lorraine: and frankly, she said all the right things, and made all the right gestures, but I actually don't buy that she really loved him all that much either.

Lacey: Yeah. Not a match.

Lorraine: he ditched his second best when he sent home Kacie.

Lacey: Now Courtney on the other hand... I hate to say this. I'm ashamed of myself as I type this. Their date was obviously really sweet and cute and fun.

Lorraine: I support you saying this, and don't worry, I will have a courtney zinger coming your way to re-even the score. It was a lovely date, and they have pretty undeniable chemistry.

Lacey: They're perfect for each other. I hate it so much. I really want to like the people at the end of this. Oh well. Who said nasty people can't find happy love connections as well as the nice?

Lorraine: I'm so glad you're coming around to this

Lacey: I actually caught myself SMILING as they sledded down the hill, Lorraine. SMILING!!! Don't you fret. I returned to a scowl the second I realized.

Lorraine: hahahha

Lacey: I knew the ending was set in stone when Courtney brought out her hand-made gift. Lindzi hadn't given him one. Kiss of death.

My question is, which production assistant did she make-out with to get him to procure all those pictures for her?

Lorraine: OH, you stole my zinger!!! snap. well done. We are once again in matching sibby wavelengths.

Lacey: Winning!

Lorraine: my exact note was "That was so nice of the producers to make that photo album for BenjaCourt!"

in that case, I will have to trade you a new zinger here, which is a mild tangent. remember the fake wedding vows on the parent date? Courtney swiped her opening line from the series finale of Sex and the City. that is all. I'm done with my tangent now.

Lacey: Scandal! I didn't watch that show. I didn't even notice. She mean and a plagiarizer!

Lorraine: oh dear. she's devolving into a hot typo'd mess, now. just when we were making progress. I did this to you!

Lacey: Sorry. She's. Well, now we come to it. The day of the big decision. The ring is chosen. Courtney is scampering about in a teddy. Lindzi is curling her hair.

Lorraine: oh yes, we are approaching my favorite part, when the elves cross into the circle of Mordor, shed their cloaks and throw love into Mount Doom!!!! If ONLY Frodo and Sam had had their own private helichoppers, as Courtney called them.

Lacey: But first Lindzi must follow the ancient cairns on the mountain top to the Altar of Rejection.

Lorraine: Which Ben ceremoniously began by saying "come on in" to the circle of tragedy.

Lacey: Then he does the famous bait and switch. "You're perfect. You're exactly what I've always looked for. I've fallen in love with you.... But I'm in love with someone else." Wha?

Lorraine: I hate it. I remember Brad did that to Chantelle too. And stupid Ashley let Ben get all the way down on one knee and pour his heart out. I think they must get some sort of signing bonus if they can lead the person on right up until the "end". And Ben's "BUT" must be the worst BUT of all time. Like, he dumped her in a single word.

Lacey: Lindzi's exit was the best. She didn't cry, she didn't grovel. If only she hadn't made the "If it doesn't work out, call me" comment, it would've been perfect.

Girl power!

Lorraine: I have another angry scribbled note here about how when the guy that just dumped your face on TV offers to walk you to your helipad, The Answer Is Always NO, girls. ALWAYS> you walk yourself to the door. end of story. I can guarantee you that Courtney would not have let him walk her to the helipad. Part of why I like her.

Lacey: Oh wait. I take back the girl power thing. I just remembered she said, "I'm mad at myself for not giving you what you need." Boo. Worst exit ever.

Lorraine: yup. not unlike the Kacie "what did he WANT?!!" segment. So undignified.

Lindzi, the thing you didn't give was sass. You were sassless. You didn't fight for him, you didn't make an arse of yourself to get his attention, and that's what the dip wanted all along. Consider yourself lucky. Now go marry a banker who can fund your horse habit indefinitely.

Lacey: Courtney's helichopper lands. She walks up the path to her future. Ben remembers about the skinny dipping and has to catch his breath.

Lorraine: and the rest of us have to catch our breath that she is wearing those heinous gloves, and sporting hair tendrils.

Lacey: And it happens. The moment we've known was coming, yet dreaded nonetheless. Ben "I've loved you for a long time. One whole month. I said I wouldn't get down on one knee again unless I knew it was forever. You're my forever." I'm gonna puke.

Lorraine: I was genuinely excited, but yes. we definitely all knew it was coming. She laughed at entirely innapropriate moments, acted like a goof, and the two of them look cute on Mount Doom.

oh, and in Ben's words, "My hair looked like a water buffalo. Maybe it is time for a cut."

Lacey: She didn't really seem all that happy to me until he opened up the ring box. I flashed back to episode one when she said she wouldn't be okay with anything less than 2 karats because "she deserves it". Happy ending!

Lorraine: haha

I will say this, and you are more than welcome to disagree. It's all the dumb funny show anyway. I think that people (every girl that was on the show, every trashy magazine, every blogger, every vocal viewer) has taken Ben and Courtney to town for their actions, dragged them through the mud, called them every nasty name, and somehow, they still have the slightest desire to be together? Courtney is a weirdo and Ben is a creep, and they seem really happy together, probably because they ARE well suited. All along, he wanted a girl who KNEW she deserved nothing less than "a two karat diamond" and that's what he got. so, meh, I was genuinely relieved and happy he chose the person who was the best fit for him, and (more or less) stuck to his guns.

I think it's very tempting to choose "the best woman" instead of "the right woman" as young idiot couples seem to do all the time, and miraculously, Ben avoided that pitfall and got his girl. I say kudos to them both.

Lacey: Back in our Episode #4 chat I said, "I don't think Ben is seeing much of her crazy. Only the other girls are. If she comes out with the psycho and Ben still likes her, I wish her lip biting, hair fondling joy." Up until the show started airing, he didn't see any of that. Now he has. He clearly wasn't okay with it. If they can indeed move on and decide to stay together, I don't begrudge them that. I'm sure they'll be great. It's only now that I feel they're actually on an even playing field. He knows her weaknesses and now she's seen his (the whole cutting loose when it got rough thing). I hope they can make an honest go of it.

Lorraine: That's a totally fair assessment. You are much more reasonable than the 10 idiots in the audience they kept cutting away that were mouthing obscenities and shaking their head every time Courtney so much as sneezed. (during the After the Rose Special) I could barely watch it was so annoying. Best line of the night was Courtney's "tough crowd!" hahahaha

Lacey: Ben and Courtney should probably have talked before the show and gotten on the same page. Were they together? Not together? She was saying one thing, he said another. They didn't even know what's going on. Good thing Chris was there to help them sort it all out. And give her her ring back.

Lorraine: I think they purposefully don't let them see each other before the show, and it sounds like he'd kind of cut communication in the weeks prior. It was very weird to watch.

ben's last blog on People.com was very illuminating http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20578316,00.html

and you have to admit, Ben crying was genuinely sad, even if they were the result of his own choices.

Lacey: Bless their hearts. I hope they get left alone for a while and get all sorted out.

Things got weirder for me when Ashley and JP came out and started making pregnant jokes. Wah wah.

Lorraine: sister really wears the pants in that relationship.

Lacey: I think they're cute and I'll bet Mike Fleiss is thrilled that they're FINALLY going to get another wedding out of this thing. Unless things fall apart "within the year".

Lorraine: they're lookin pretty good, they're both just kind of dumb happy puppies, so I don't foresee an Allie/Roberto implosion

Lacey: Well, I've got to say I'm not sad to see this season go. I wish the best for all parties involved and I hope they get some awesome guys for Emily. Unless they bring Bentley back and she takes him all the way to the end, I think it'll be a very lovely season.

Lorraine: I like the bachelorette seasons a lot because they tend to be a little more emotional and a little less dramatic.

And y'all, Emillly is just so so so so so totally almost like close to being sort of like the perfect bachelorette.

said in emily voice

Lacey: The End.

Lorraine: woohoo!

we did it!

I'm going to send all our chats to a producer to have him print them out and put them in a scrapbook, which I will present to you someday and take credit for it.

The Bachelor #10: The Women Go CRAZY!!!

The Women Tell All. It's a difficult thing for rational people to understand, but somehow it happens. Lorraine took the high-road and skipped most of the episode. I fell deep into its fiery pit. Below are a few of our thoughts. Please forgive us as we read into this silly bubblegum show more than we probably should.

me: ‪Hey!‬ What did you think?

Lorraine: ‪So....I started to watch it, and couldn't. I started to watch the highlight reel...and I couldn't. I youtubed "courtney's apology" and kept waiting for them to let her talk. And then I finally gave up and watched Ellen Degeneres' spoof of it, and found that to be satisfactory.‬

WHAT DID I MISS??

me: ‪Courtney high-pitch whispered a lot about how she was under a lot of pressure and that's why she was mean. She said she was a really nice person. And then she cried tears.‬ I don't know if they were real, but there was actual moisture which is a good sign.

Lorraine: ‪I thought I saw some pink around her pupils in the youtube clip, so that's good.‬

me: ‪I had a really hard time with her apology and the reasons are two-fold. First- Nobody lives their lives as a kind-spirited person, then gets onto a TV show, turns into an awful split-personality psycho, and then as soon as they’re off, turns back into a sweetheart. That just doesn't happen.‬

Nice people don't suddenly turn mean, as evidenced by many of the nice girls in the house. They didn't wig out, neither should she.‬

‪Secondly- She was kind of reminding me a little of Scarlett O'Hara after Frank Kennedy got killed. She was actually feeling bad, but it came from a place of "Oh no, now I'm having to deal with these consequences and what people think of me" and not because what she did was wrong. Does that make any sense?‬

Lorraine: ‪Ahhh, a lovely Gone With the Wind reference, and I think that's a totally fair anology.‬

me: ‪almost‬

Lorraine: ‪*analogy. I can spell‬. srsly.

me: ‪got it!‬

Lorraine: ‪haha‬ IT WAS A TYPO, DON'T ATTACK ME ON TV, PLEASE.

me: ‪Anyway, I feel bad for the villains on these shows because the girls can definitely get way carried away and go nutso on them and I don't like seeing that either, but really I don't feel too terribly sorry for Courtney. What goes around comes around.‬

Lorraine: ‪I'm going to dive a little deep here for a moment, so bear with me, but while I don't feel too terribly bad for Courtney, I DO feel bad for Women as a whole. I don't think anything more clearly displays the atrocious weaknesses of the modern American woman more than the Women Tell All episode of the Bachelor.‬

me: ‪Do explain.‬

Lorraine: ‪It shows us to be vicious, jealous, unforgiving, petty, trite, impatient, and willing to talk over each other. It shows American viewers that women in packs are irrational and emotional, and when people start generalizing our gender to be like these women, who are supposedly "the good guys" in this scenario, then it becomes very easy to dismiss us as a whole. We are so much better than this! (and it really does become a gender issue when you compare this to Men Tell All episodes of the past).‬

me: ‪Oh I definitely agree. It's like The View. It seriously gives us a bad reputation, when the reality is I have never ever ever been in a crazy, shrill, over-the-top, disrespectful discussion like that. While there are always a few girls that rise above it, the majority of the girls take the opportunity to let loose and dismiss their better sense. Even though the very idea of the WTA episode encourages it to happen, I mean it's the whole point and I'm sure the producers prod them along, I wish there were more girls that would choose to behave with civility.‬

Lorraine: I think you said it very well. There is something very powerful and rare about individuals who choose to show grace under fire, and forgiveness and understanding, especially when you have a "free pass" to let loose. I find it especially disappointing in someone like emily who is representing herself as the smart doctor academic, but has the attitude of a drunk girl at da club.‬

‪Of the small clip I saw, I have to admit that while of course Courtney was horrible, all they did was prove they are all horrible too. Their collective argument that "we didn't say those things, WE didn't self destruct" as they all scream over each other at one woman, is completely hilarious.‬

me: ‪I hope people realize that the Bachelor world in general is just a crazy microcosm that doesn't represent reality, but who knows.‬

For most of the episode I actually thought Emily was excellent and well spoken and had some very valid points. Jennifer the Red-Head Accountant turns out to be horrible. Samantha was a nightmare. ‪It’s cute that Kacie and Nicki are BFFs. Blakeley got a lot of guff that I didn't feel she deserved. She's a little different, but she seems like a nice enough person.‬

Lorraine: ‪I agree. I was team blakeley. romper and all.‬

me: ‪Ugh the romper. I die. The other thing I hated was seeing poor Shawntel re-living the horror of her night among the "ladies". Most of the girls actually became very contrite and truly apologetic because they knew they were out of control.‬

Lorraine: ‪well, the good news is that if all the rumours are true, Shawntel may yet get her chance with Benjamin.‬

me: ‪Whoa whoa whoa.... I haven't read any spoilers... Don't tell me. I think I want to be surprised.‬

Lorraine: ‪not spoilers, just people speculating. I promise!‬

me: ‪Surprised. Ha! As if the ending of this entire journey hasn't been a forgone conclusion for weeks now. Psh.‬

‪My favorite moment of the night was when they showed my favorite Bachelor contestant of all time, the wonderful Reid Rosenthal during the “where are they now” segment. Be still my little ol' heart.‬

Lorraine: ‪oh, that part I would actually WANT to see!‬

me: ‪Also, question: Why in the world do they edit out all the moments where our Bachelor Ben showed hints of personality and save them for the blooper reel? We could definitely have used some of that during this death dirge of a season.‬

Lorraine: ‪ha! Poor earth tones Ben, and his personality that is as dead as his part. I will have to see that, because I don't believe it haha‬

It's true, my friends. Unbelievable but true.