Monday, June 4, 2012

Episode 3: Arie You Ready?

Dear Readers, having been an insane week for both Lorraine and I last week, we didn’t get to chat it out the way we usually like.  Just in time for a new episode tonight, I offer this quick review on last week’s exciting episode.  It was good one!  Emily gets insulted, a front-runner emerges, Sean takes off his shirt!  It’s all too good to let go.

We start the week off with everyone’s favorite kind of date!  The “let’s climb something really really tall and pretend to be scared and then make cliche love analogies” date.  This stuff never gets old!

Bobble-Head’s and Emily’s conversation had a couple terrific awkward moments.  For example, Emily says, “If I saw you from across the room, I would not talk to you.”  Uh…okay.  Real smooth, Em.  Or how about her complete lack of poker face when he told her his age?  Or my personal favorite from Bobble-Head, “I’m only 25, but I’m a man!”  No matter.  After clumsily respectfully asking her permission, he scores the season’s first kiss.  Awww!

Emily’s friend Wendy pretty much stole the show on the group date, bringing us some lovely gems, such as calling Stevie Soul-Patch “Jersey”, exploiting Sean by making him take off his shirt and do push-ups while sitting on him, teasing Travis about the egg.  She goes for the jugular.  I appreciated that.  And her side ponytail.

Now, where Beefcake got the gall to interrupt Emily’s conversation with her friends and then offer commentary on the completely hypothetical weight gain of a size 0 woman- again, in the presence of other women- is beyond me.  His attitude is so gross to me.  “I just wouldn’t love on you as much.”  To threaten to withhold affection… just ew.  There are no words.  Dude’s a d-bag.

Doug wins the friends’ approval and The Sob Story of the Year contest.  His story was actually maybe the saddest I’ve ever heard on this show.  Apparently his mom walked out on the family, then his dad died, and Doug and his sister got passed around from foster home to foster home.  If he came through all that to become the stand-up guy he appears to be, that is truly amazing.  I just hope he’s not hiding all the angst and anger underneath. 

Poor Tony was missing his son so much it was painful to watch.  She mercifully sent him home in the most confusing, roundabout way; I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on.  She was so gentle that I thought maybe he wouldn’t get it.  Fortunately he did, and he seemed genuinely relieved to be leaving the situation and going home. 

Emily takes Arie to Dollywood, which is now officially on my list of places to go before I die.  Emily was exactly right on when she said of Arie, “He’s good-looking but doesn’t look like he tries too hard.”  Dolly came out on stage and surprised Emily to the point of speechlessness.  I’m not sure Arie knew who she was.  Dolly played them a couple of songs as they danced.  Then Arie kissed Emily on the forehead and I MELTED THROUGH THE FLOOR.  Then they made out on the carousel and I died. 

After dinner it was rose time.  Emily shocked me with her sense of humor yet again when she totally faked Arie out.  She listed all the good things about him and then added the dreaded, “But…” Shocked, he said, “But?”  Then she paused, he turned really red, and she finally started laughing and gave him the rose.  I like her more and more.  It was an excellent date.  Honestly, it didn’t annoy me even one time.  That NEVER happens.  Arie for the win!

Cute Moment Alert!  Rickie says Emily’s perfume smells like Mindy’s house.

We then experience one of the weirdest cocktail parties of all time.  Emily totally gets Pavelkaed by Kalon.  “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.”  Oh no you did not!  A flash of rage passes over Emily’s eyes, but ever the lady, she lets it go with an, “Okay.”  Two thumbs WAY down, Kalon. 

Then Alessandro Helmet Head crashes and burns.  Evidently during his chat with Emily’s friends he admits to having a one-night stand and cheating on a woman with his cousin.  He tells Emily that marrying her would be a big compromise for him because of her daughter.  Alessandro, please stop talking.  Displeased, Emily kicks him to the curb in her combat boots.  But don’t you fret.  Arie was there with a supportive arm around her shoulders and sweet kisses.  Why don’t we just end the show now, am I right?

The night ends with Soul-Patch going home.  It’s fine, I guess.  I just don’t know why two men who blatantly disrespected her are still there.  Soul-Patch was lame, but at least he wasn’t a jerk.  Oh well.  Beefcake and Kalon will get theirs.

See you later this week with complete commentary on Episode 4!

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