If You Wish to Render Me Broken and Dejected...

1. Respond to me by saying things like "Well, wait till you're married!" or "Just wait until you have kids. Then you'll see." I promise whatever I said was in no way meant to compete with your spouse/parent status. Also, all of my experiences are not obsolete just because I haven't said "I do." If you say some iteration of the above to me, be advised- I will fall limply to ground and begin foaming at the mouth.

2. Play any version of The Little Drummer Boy at me and force me to listen to it all the way through. That song makes me crazy. It makes me writhe. There's this instrumental version that I've heard a couple times on the radio this year that features this totally ridiculous bossa nova riff in between the verses. It's just so stupid. You all must know how much I love Josh Groban by now, right? I can't listen to even his version. Ugh! That song! I loathe it nearly as much as Christmas Shoes and Mary Did You Know?

3. Pretend like your opinion is fact. This can apply to anything. Politics, music, movies, life philosophy, you name it. It's all subjective. If you insist that your way is the right way and the only way and that everybody must agree or die, a wire in my brain will short out, I will lose power and shut down. You'll have to ship me off to Japan for a new microchip.

These things are like kryptonite to my soul. So if you happen to be a bitter enemy searching for a way to destroy me, I just gave you the keys to my undoing.