Srsly?

Dear Benny Mardones,

You belong in jail.

Creeper.

The Gambler

My first gaming experience is hereby documented below, fittingly set to the tune of Kenny Rogers' "The Gambler".

On a hot summer’s day, on the Fun Bus to Wendover,

I met a gal name Bronwyn, who led us all in fun.

She gave us cards for Bingo, and I almost won the Blackout.

It was all too much to handle when she me splashed me with some pop.

When we finally reached the city on the far side of the desert,

We got off at Montego, ready to play the slots.

I didn’t know what I was doing, I’d never been a gambler,

But my luck it started turnin,’ when I sent out upbeat thoughts.

So, I gathered up my courage, and bet a little higher,

I bought a few more lines to read, for nickels and some dimes.

A wonderful thing happened, I was winning back my money,

And soon I was into the black and havin’ a real good time.

You gotta know when to pull ‘em,

Know when to up ‘em,

Know when to walk away,

Know when to sit.

You gotta read those funny

Names they give the machines

And choose the one that’s callin’

From across the room.

I was up a couple dollars, and I fixed on cashin’ out,

The machine was finished givin’, it was sending out that vibe.

Then a quick game of billiards, I was just about to lose it,

Then my luck it flipped, I sunk the 8, then I danced a jive.

Feeling super duper awesome, I knew the time for playin’

The slots again was on me, so I viewed the floor.

I spotted the machine, I believe called “Pharaoh’s Treasure”

I started up, I pulled the arm, and I won $8 more.

At the final casino, I sat down to a new one.

I knew I didn’t deserve to win, I'd already won .

For the sake of the experience, I went ahead and did it,

And don’t you know, gained 8 bucks more, then I was done.

You gotta know when to pull ‘em,

Know when to up ‘em,

Know when to walk away,

Know when to sit.

You gotta read those funny

Names they give the machines

And choose the one that’s callin’

From across the room.

Adventures in Archery

I've been practicing with my sweet bow.  I'm getting better at it.  I hit the target about 75% of the time.  Good, not great.  I've only had a handful of problems with my new hobby.  I've caught the backlash of the string on my arm a couple of times, which hurts reeeeaaal bad and leaves a big nasty bruise, but it goes away.  I've also lost a few of my arrows in the grass, but with a little time and a metal detector, I have reclaimed most of them.  There's only one situation that sticks in my mind as a lesson in why I maybe shouldn't have a bow in my possession at all.

It was almost dusk.  My brother, Dylan, and I were in the backyard at my parents' house practicing with my bow, shooting at a target at one end of the lawn from the other.  We were about done for the night, when a realization hit.  I hadn't arced an arrow yet and I wanted to try it.  My folks live on a 5 acres of land, so I thought I'd have plenty of room.  I removed the point of the arrow just in case.  I angled my bow to maximum distance potential, like an ultimate Angry Birds shot, drew back and let that sucker fly.

And fly it did, all the way across my parents' field, backyard, front yard, across the street and into the neighbors fenced-in horse corral.  Dylan and I went tearing across the yard.  "Did you see where it landed?!" I shouted to Dylan, who was a few steps ahead of me.  We paused at the high fence, straining our eyes.  "There it is."  He pointed to the arrow sticking straight up from the ground about 25 yards from the fence.  Dylan started scouting the fence as though he were planning to go over and retrieve the arrow.  "But there are no foot holds on the other side, just wire.  How will you get back over?" I asked.  We thought for a moment.  What other option did we have?  I couldn't very well go over, knock on the door and ask the homeowner, "Excuse me, can you go get my powerful, dangerous arrow that I could have accidentally shot your horses with?"  

Dylan insisted he could do it, so he climbed over the high fence, walked over and pulled up the arrow and started walking back.  Suddenly, I noticed something moving from the corner of my eye.  I looked toward the neighbor's house in the distance where I beheld and big black dog running around from the side of the house, growling and galloping full force, teeth bared.  I started yelling at Dylan to run!  Run for your life!  He glanced back and saw the imminent danger.  It was like rocket boosters had gone off in his shoes, but the distance between him and the heathen dog closed in with every second.  Dylan reached the fence and leapt, but he didn't quite make it over.  He held onto the top for dear life and finally wrenched his body weight up and over and tumbled to the other side with a thud.  I grabbed his arm and pulled him up.  Looking back at the house, I could see the neighbors had come out and were milling around.  We walked back across the street, acting as casually as we could.  We finally had time to asses the damage.  He had scraped his leg up and it was all my fault for being stupid and foolish.  At least he hadn't been torn to pieces.  

The adrenaline didn't subside for about an hour.  I was so mad at myself and apologized to Dylan about a million times.  He said it was fine, it made a good story and nothing bad happened, so let it go.  Sometimes I still can't get over how irresponsible that was!  I NEVER do crap like that.  Ever.  These are usually the kinds of pickles that 13 year old boys get into, not people in their late 20s.  Don't you fret, though.  I have taken a solemn oath never to underestimate the power of my bow ever again, and if I do want to shoot for distance I'll go find a place out in the west desert where no person or property can be harmed.  Promise.

A New BaChat Awaits!

If you can stomach it, don't forget to check out the BaChatlorette blog.  It's crazy.  It's weird.  It's terrifying.  It's sweet.  Wait.  Never mind on that last one.  In any case, it's fun! 


Lorraine and I discuss bad tempers, health foods that are all the rage, and one of the biggest jerks ever.  Most importantly, we need your help settling a crucial question once and for all.  Click on that there link.

Episode 3: Arie You Ready?

Dear Readers, having been an insane week for both Lorraine and I last week, we didn’t get to chat it out the way we usually like.  Just in time for a new episode tonight, I offer this quick review on last week’s exciting episode.  It was good one!  Emily gets insulted, a front-runner emerges, Sean takes off his shirt!  It’s all too good to let go.

We start the week off with everyone’s favorite kind of date!  The “let’s climb something really really tall and pretend to be scared and then make cliche love analogies” date.  This stuff never gets old!

Bobble-Head’s and Emily’s conversation had a couple terrific awkward moments.  For example, Emily says, “If I saw you from across the room, I would not talk to you.”  Uh…okay.  Real smooth, Em.  Or how about her complete lack of poker face when he told her his age?  Or my personal favorite from Bobble-Head, “I’m only 25, but I’m a man!”  No matter.  After clumsily respectfully asking her permission, he scores the season’s first kiss.  Awww!

Emily’s friend Wendy pretty much stole the show on the group date, bringing us some lovely gems, such as calling Stevie Soul-Patch “Jersey”, exploiting Sean by making him take off his shirt and do push-ups while sitting on him, teasing Travis about the egg.  She goes for the jugular.  I appreciated that.  And her side ponytail.

Now, where Beefcake got the gall to interrupt Emily’s conversation with her friends and then offer commentary on the completely hypothetical weight gain of a size 0 woman- again, in the presence of other women- is beyond me.  His attitude is so gross to me.  “I just wouldn’t love on you as much.”  To threaten to withhold affection… just ew.  There are no words.  Dude’s a d-bag.

Doug wins the friends’ approval and The Sob Story of the Year contest.  His story was actually maybe the saddest I’ve ever heard on this show.  Apparently his mom walked out on the family, then his dad died, and Doug and his sister got passed around from foster home to foster home.  If he came through all that to become the stand-up guy he appears to be, that is truly amazing.  I just hope he’s not hiding all the angst and anger underneath. 

Poor Tony was missing his son so much it was painful to watch.  She mercifully sent him home in the most confusing, roundabout way; I wasn’t entirely sure what was going on.  She was so gentle that I thought maybe he wouldn’t get it.  Fortunately he did, and he seemed genuinely relieved to be leaving the situation and going home. 

Emily takes Arie to Dollywood, which is now officially on my list of places to go before I die.  Emily was exactly right on when she said of Arie, “He’s good-looking but doesn’t look like he tries too hard.”  Dolly came out on stage and surprised Emily to the point of speechlessness.  I’m not sure Arie knew who she was.  Dolly played them a couple of songs as they danced.  Then Arie kissed Emily on the forehead and I MELTED THROUGH THE FLOOR.  Then they made out on the carousel and I died. 

After dinner it was rose time.  Emily shocked me with her sense of humor yet again when she totally faked Arie out.  She listed all the good things about him and then added the dreaded, “But…” Shocked, he said, “But?”  Then she paused, he turned really red, and she finally started laughing and gave him the rose.  I like her more and more.  It was an excellent date.  Honestly, it didn’t annoy me even one time.  That NEVER happens.  Arie for the win!

Cute Moment Alert!  Rickie says Emily’s perfume smells like Mindy’s house.

We then experience one of the weirdest cocktail parties of all time.  Emily totally gets Pavelkaed by Kalon.  “I love it when you talk, but I wish you’d let me finish.”  Oh no you did not!  A flash of rage passes over Emily’s eyes, but ever the lady, she lets it go with an, “Okay.”  Two thumbs WAY down, Kalon. 

Then Alessandro Helmet Head crashes and burns.  Evidently during his chat with Emily’s friends he admits to having a one-night stand and cheating on a woman with his cousin.  He tells Emily that marrying her would be a big compromise for him because of her daughter.  Alessandro, please stop talking.  Displeased, Emily kicks him to the curb in her combat boots.  But don’t you fret.  Arie was there with a supportive arm around her shoulders and sweet kisses.  Why don’t we just end the show now, am I right?

The night ends with Soul-Patch going home.  It’s fine, I guess.  I just don’t know why two men who blatantly disrespected her are still there.  Soul-Patch was lame, but at least he wasn’t a jerk.  Oh well.  Beefcake and Kalon will get theirs.

See you later this week with complete commentary on Episode 4!

Episode 2: Of Muppets and Men

Hello friends!  I told you it was coming and it came!  Here is the link to Lorraine's and my new, exclusively BaChat blog.   There's so much good stuff to talk about/mock this season, that we decided we just had to chat it out and share it with those of you who love to hate this show as much we do.  So click and enjoy!


BaChatlorette

Episode 1: The Hunt for Fiance #3 Begins!

Lorraine and I are a little late to the party to start this season off, but we have high hopes that it'll be a good one.  Join us again this season as we chat the Bachelorette, or as we like to call it "BaChat".  Check out our brief initial thoughts on the very first step of beautiful Emily's journey to find true and everlasting love.  I hope she gets that minivan full of babies and a post-7:30pm partner out of this.  She's so lovely.

Lorraine:  ‪I assume you have watched the bachelorette.  ‪I just had to comment on the fact that she totally sent home the black dude. not even a token week so she doesn't maybe look like a southern belle. With producers in the background pleading "Emily, we have a LAWSUIT on our hands, give the brother a chance!!!"‬

Lacey:  ‪I know!  And he was a handsome guy too!  At least she kept a couple Latinos.‬

Lorraine:  ‪hahaha, yes, bless her heart. even if one of them was rocking some sort of...hair tendril? mullet curl?‬

Lacey:  ‪The mushroom farmer?  It was all his sweet sweet whisperings in the language of love.‬

Lorraine:  ‪totally.‬ speaking of hair, the Daniel lookalike is my 2 to 1 favorite, for obvious reasons.

Lacey:  ‪Wait.  The Daniel lookalike?  Who?‬

Lorraine:  ‪I think his name was mike? with the shoulder length flowy shiny hair?‬  the ringer for your brother my husband?

Lacey:  ‪Oh the Long-Hair.‬  I didn't notice that he looked like Dan.  I'll have to take another look.

Lorraine:  ‪http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelorette/bio/michael/965116.  if he had blue eyes and glasses, totally.  he even likes giant sweaters!!!

Lacey:  ‪He does a little!

Lorraine:  ‪they gave her hardly any blondes, which is weird since it seems like Brad was kind of her type.‬

Lacey:  ‪It's true.  There's only one!‬  ‪I'd like to throw my personal favorite bachelor out there, Aaron the biology teacher.  Oh my gosh, he looked so dorky!  Just how I like 'em!  Cheesiest opening line, square glasses.  I'm a fan.‬

Lorraine:  ‪ooooh yeah, I thought he was presh‬

Lacey:  ‪I think she's got a great group of guys.  I really do.  Once we get rid of painfully awful Kalon it should be smooth sailing.‬

OOOOH- Arie the racecar driver is gorgeous!  The producers are awful for putting him in there, but I'm glad they did!

Lorraine:  ‪totally. love arie.‬

and Joe, I don't like Joe either. too greasy.

Lacey:  ‪And obnoxious.  Fist pump!  Yes!!!  Emily!!!! Woo!  Yeah!!!!‬

Dude.  Chill.

Lacey:  ‪And lest we forget we have a "singer/songwriter" in the mix.  Not only did his song suck, but almost definitely *not there for the right reasons*.‬

Lorraine:  ‪hahahaha‬  there are some BAD eggs in this season. but Emily seems like kind of a spitfire now that she's at the wheel, so I'm not worried about her.

Lacey:  ‪I could really get used to the hour-and-a-half episode thing.  That rose ceremony MOVED.‬

Lorraine:  ‪clipped right along there, didn't it? I was wondering why it seemed shorter!‬

Lacey:  ‪Oh yeah.  They should do that more often.‬

Will you hate me if I say that the two sided note bit was totally charming to me?  When he pulled out a note I was prepared for a hideous poem.

Lorraine:  ‪hahahha, no I thought that was funny, who did that again?‬

Lacey:  ‪I think the former pro football player.‬  I could be wrong, but I think it was him.

Lorraine:  ‪ohhh yeah‬.  I think you're right.  no, I was utterly charmed by that, I thought it was one of the better intros

Lacey:  ‪Hey!  They cast kind of an interesting normalish person from Salt Lake!  Besides the hair thing and the entering on a skateboard thing, he seemed like a cool person.‬

I was surprised for some reason when she said Jef with one F smelled good.  At least he's not a psycho.

Lorraine:  ‪hahaha, yeah, I'm actually really familiar with his company, People Water.‬  He's a UVU grad.

Lacey:  ‪Really?‬  That's so cool.  Represent!

Lorraine:  ‪I kind of dig his whole vibe. A bit of a hipster, but memorable, cool‬

Lacey:  ‪Yeah.  I like him.  He may go far.‬

Lacey:  ‪I'm glad she got rid of Mr. Eyebrows, Old Man River, and Testosterone Boy.‬

Lorraine:  ‪LOL‬ that is forever their names.  yeah, that one dude seemed like, REALLY old, right?

Lacey:  He was like in a completely different stage of life.  6 kids?!  At first I thought he was joking and he was going to show her pictures of his dogs or something.  But no.  He meant it.‬

Lorraine:  ‪hahaha, yeah, that was weird.‬  interesting choice, ABC

oh lacey, what is wrong with us? Why do we like this show so much!?

Lacey:  ‪I don't know!!!  Up until 5 minutes before it started I was telling everyone I'm not watching this season!  But I'm like a moth to a flame!  I just can't help myself!‬

Lorraine:  ‪how could we possibly not watch Emily's season, Lacey? We'll just watch ONE MORE, and then we'll stop.‬

Lacey:  ‪Right.  Yes.  One more.  And then I'll be done forever!‬  I mean it this time!

Lorraine:  ‪yeah!‬

Lacey:  ‪What do you think about blogging it this season?

Lorraine:  ‪hahah, you know what I think we should do is start a blog unto itself where we BaChat, so that people who love our chats can religiously read, and people like my grandma can stop asking me why there are pictures of girls in hotpants on my blog hahahahah‬

Lacey:  ‪That's not a bad idea.‬  Not a bad idea at all.  Should we do it?  I mean do you enjoy it?

Lorraine:  ‪Lacey.‬

who chatted who today to talk about Bachelorette for an hour? WHO?

this girl.

this one right here.

If we didn't blog it, we'd still do this every week.

we might as well share our creative mockery with the rest of the world.

Lacey:  ‪That's the truth.  Either way we'll always chat it out.‬

Lorraine:  ‪AND THEN NEVER WATCH AGAIN.‬

this is the last season! really!

Lacey:  ‪No seriously.  This is it.  Absolutely the last.‬

Definitely.

Lorraine:  ‪uh huh.‬

Lacey:  ‪yeah‬

Lorraine:  ‪I just need one more fix.‬

season

I meant season.

I am not addicted.

Lacey:  ‪Alright.  Let's do this thing.‬

A link for BaChat the blog will be coming soon to a computer near you!  See you next week!