Ya'll Ready For This?

Because it's happening. Read on.

Lorraine: Lacey. We need to talk. It's important. It's about...the Bachelor.

Lacey: Did you watch?

Lorraine: I did.

Lacey: Me too.

Lorraine: I really want to like the horse girl, for obvious reasons, but the way she spells her name: LINDZI. And, you know, her face. I was surprised she got the first impression rose

Lacey: Me too a little. But she seems nice and pretty normal which means she'll either go far, or be written off by the producers.

Lorraine: hahahha you may have a point there. also, um JENNA!!!!!

Lacey: psycho
She scares me!

Lorraine: my favorite part is actually watching her try to interact with Ben. she hasn't said a single normal thing to him yet. not one thing. "Good Things End Badly" hahahahahhaha

Lacey: It's true. She's unstable. While we're talking about Jenna, let's talk about Monica. Why do they keep casting the "villains" from Salt Lake City? They're giving us a bad name!

Lorraine: hahahaha, I know!
what's weird though is if you go on the bachelor site, they list her as being from california, so I'm pretty sure they're just "accidentally" submarining salt lake on purpose, haha

Lacey: Interesting!

Lorraine: Though I have to say, considering she is clearly a little on the crazy side, she handled Jenna surprisingly well. about how I would have if someone had said, you know, some of those things to me.
I think she chose a perfectly reasonable time to walk away from psycho hose beast.

Lacey: What did you think of the lovefest on the sofa? Are they maybe on the wrong show? Or just physically affectionate girls?

Lorraine: hahaha, that was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. I think it was 2 drunk girls who wanted to be on TV.

Lacey: I agree. I was sad he sent Oklahoma cow nuts shotgun girl home. She was cute. Also Shira because she was on an episode of the office once.

Lorraine: hahah, yeah, poor shotgun girl. I didn't know that about Shira! did I miss that in the episode?

Lacey: No. I read it on a comment board and it was true. She played Andy's underage girlfriend.
Very funny ep.

Lorraine: LOL
that's awesome!!! I liked the girl in the disco ball dress. she was stunning. and I like the blond with the bangs, oh what was her name?

Lacey: With the nose piercing? Rachel.

Lorraine: yes! Rachel.
she seems spunky but normal

Lacey: I liked her a lot too. Disco ball dress.... I don't remember her I think...

Lorraine: I'm trying to see if there's a picture, I can't remember who she is, I just remember her dress and that she looked super hot.

Lacey: My favorites were Rachel, Kacie B. (she seemed super sweet), Nicki (divorcee), and Shawn (single mom).
Lorraine: This Girl:

Lacey: YES!!! THat's Kacie B! She's my pick for number one.

Lorraine: right on! lacey, we are winners!
I liked Shawn too, her green monstrosity of a dress was real unfortunate, but I think she can still recover.

Lacey: I was so afraid for her bosoms. She was THIS CLOSE to spilling out.

Lorraine: so close. really close.

Lacey: I hope I don't sound jerky when i ask this, but did you think there were more "interesting" looking women this season than any before?
Jerky. I knew it!

Lorraine: hahahahaha, you are such a good soul, that was the nicest possible way to put it. yeah, actually, that's kind of what I was thinking about Ashley's season of the bachelorette- they are possibly scraping the bottom of the "people who are willing to get married on TV" barrel.

I know America is going down the drainpipe and all, but I still imagine the pickins are slim of people willing to read aloud a card on TV that talks about "the key to a luxury suite for a romantic evening alone", knowing full well that Granny is watching in her lazy boy under an afghan.

Lacey: You speak the truth.

Lorraine: but yes, am I crazy, or is the model not even really all that pretty?
I think she's sort of weird looking.

Lacey: I agree. She's a model with "a look". But I may feel that way because I already know I wouldn't like her as a person. The first thing she does is stick her hands all over in his hair. Gag me. Then she tells him "I'm just really nice and calm and normal". Usually if you have to say it with words, your behavior will soon prove otherwise.

Lorraine: hahaha, it's so true. I loved the description of her given by your green beans blogger. We get it, you're a nice model, who isn't actually nice. OKAY.

Lacey: Any other notable contestants we need to talk about?

Lorraine: only a moment of silence for the girl who I most identified with and who did not get a rose: Dianna. May her single life rest in peace.

Lacey: The candy girl?

Lorraine: She runs a non-prof! her heart is made of gold! cute men make her forget what she was gonna say! CANDY IS THE ENEMY!
haha, yes, so sad.

Lacey: I know. Bless her. She seemed like a sweetie.

Lorraine: I remember watching and thinking, omg, that is totally what I would do if someone made me go on the bachelor and try to flirt with a stranger.
crash and burn.
repeatedly.

Lacey: Yeah. She definitely got a few "bless her hearts" from me. She had a rough time in Bachelor town. Some people just aren't cut out for it.

Lorraine: yup. it's for the people who are charming, quick on their feet, total drunks, and always sound good when there is a camera 12 inches from your noggin. it's not for everyone.
Before getting married, I kept hoping they'd make a nerd version of the bachelor, featuring a park ranger. I would have done it.

Lacey: If they had a chemical engineer who liked (or tolerated) the arts I'd join up in a heartbeat. He'd have to be willing to listen to me do dramatic readings of Poe by lamplight.

Lorraine: haha! seriously, ABC is missing the real money boat, here. brilliant nerds dorking out at dodgy museums, attending coke bottling factory tours, and reciting ancient verse in iambic pentameter, or better yet, in latin.

Lacey: Can you imagine how delightfully undramatic that season would be? Some might call it "boring". I would call it "bearable".

Lorraine: it would be so bearable that Dan would watch it without having to pretend like he wasn't watching it.

Lacey: Ha ha!
How can we make this happen? In my dreams.

Lorraine: hey man! we know SO MANY people with cameras. Choose a Nott brother, any Nott brother.
we'll make our own!
if only I knew more chemical engineers. or park rangers. therein lies the rub.

Lacey: Oh man. It would rock. You know what we should do? Have a Bachelor g chat every week and then post them on our blogs. Funny and embarrassing.

Lorraine: hahaha, I FULLY support this. I love horrifying people with my enthusiasm for bad television.
LOL, reading back through our conversation and seeing that I referenced "the bachelor website" and I died. this is a ghost typing.

Lacey: I referenced a message board. What's worse?

Lorraine: both equally bad. Post it.

Lacey: Really? This is a big decision. Do we really want the world to know even our most pathetic thoughts and opinions about THIS? Is this how we want to be defined?

Lorraine: I think it's important to remind people that the neatest people you'll meet in life are the walking contradictions. This doesn't define us, it gives us....color.
verve, if you will.
But maybe just to be safe, we should post something about the middle east peace crisis right after.

Lacey: Yes. Oh man. This is really happening.

Lorraine: Our gchats will be a gift to mankind Lacey. don't look back.

These Are a Few of My Favorite Things

Has my blog been a little Negative Nelly lately? It's so weird because I like WAY more stuff than I don't like. This stops immediately! In honor of Christmas, I'm going to give you a list of some of the things that I love. I'll try really hard not to get sentimental, but I make no guarantees! Stop reading now if you hate feelings.

1- Pancakes, waffles, french toast, anything you can drench in butter and syrup.

2- Twinkly christmas lights.

3- Mustard. Lots of it.

4- Music. I could write for days about all the particulars, but I'll spare you. For the sake of specificity and because I'm listening to him now, James Taylor.

5- Ducks. Oh my, they're cute. Not when they're mating though. Brutal. Have you seen this? It ruined me forever. It was fowl.

6- Potatoes. Any time, any way.

7- Baby laughter. Oh my goodness. Heart melts.

8- The Sound of Music. (See title of this post.)

9- The mountains. Hiking in them, camping in them, looking at them. I love the mountains.

10- Baked goods. Mmm Mmm Good.

11- Being creative. Or rather trying to be creative, occasionally succeeding.

12- My fambly. They're my BFFs. It's awesome having a family that genuinely enjoys one another. (Watch. One of my brothers will comment on this and tell me to speak for myself.)

13- Allegedly, this is an unlucky number. To avoid the risk of jinxing anything I'll skip directly to 14.

14- Here comes the sentimentality. I knew I couldn't hold it in. My niece and nephew. I wish I could explain the way I feel about them. Here's the best I can do. They light my soul. I love them big time. I'd do anything for them, dear, anything.

15- Hot water + water pressure= Amazing! I went without either for about a week and almost lost my mind. Talk about taking such a luxury for granted!

16- Dark Shadows. (To the deprived people who don't know what this is: I'll explain it to you later.)

17- I feel like I need another food item... I love food... Cheese. Cheese is good.

18- Travelling. I want to see the whole world. What little I've already seen, I've loved. Mostly.

19- Reading. Library, Be Mine.

20- The fact that this here list could go on and on and never be long enough. I have so so much to be grateful for, it's crazy. I feel like I've won the blessing lottery.

It's nice to sit and take account of all the wonderful things in life. I hope all 5 of you that read my blog have a beautiful Christmas surrounded by people and things that you love. Merry Christmas!!!

If You Wish to Render Me Broken and Dejected...

1. Respond to me by saying things like "Well, wait till you're married!" or "Just wait until you have kids. Then you'll see." I promise whatever I said was in no way meant to compete with your spouse/parent status. Also, all of my experiences are not obsolete just because I haven't said "I do." If you say some iteration of the above to me, be advised- I will fall limply to ground and begin foaming at the mouth.

2. Play any version of The Little Drummer Boy at me and force me to listen to it all the way through. That song makes me crazy. It makes me writhe. There's this instrumental version that I've heard a couple times on the radio this year that features this totally ridiculous bossa nova riff in between the verses. It's just so stupid. You all must know how much I love Josh Groban by now, right? I can't listen to even his version. Ugh! That song! I loathe it nearly as much as Christmas Shoes and Mary Did You Know?

3. Pretend like your opinion is fact. This can apply to anything. Politics, music, movies, life philosophy, you name it. It's all subjective. If you insist that your way is the right way and the only way and that everybody must agree or die, a wire in my brain will short out, I will lose power and shut down. You'll have to ship me off to Japan for a new microchip.

These things are like kryptonite to my soul. So if you happen to be a bitter enemy searching for a way to destroy me, I just gave you the keys to my undoing.

Car Trouble

When I went to start my car this morning, it was dead. I had left an interior light on overnight. I hate me. The only neighbors that I know were all gone for the day. I called my grandparents who live just a few blocks away from me but they weren't home either. I saw a couple people driving out of the parking lot, but I didn't have the guts to flag them down. I also didn't dare knock on random doors of my complex until I found someone home with time and jumper cables.

With nowhere left to turn, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I took a little fifteen minute walk to Lowe's. I bought one of those car battery jump starters on the hope that there would be just enough charge in it immediately after purchase to get my car going. The package said "Ideal for roadside emergencies." I would suggest they add "and people who feel too stupid and insecure to ask a stranger for help."

Unfortunately for me my new contraption didn't have quite enough juice to crank the engine. It just turned over a few measly times. In desperation I called my dad. He's a problem solver. He called my grandpa's cell phone who was just driving past, as it happened. He rescued me from my predicament and saved the day.

When I finally got to work an hour and a half late, the ladies I work with suggested I sign up for Triple A. I guess after all my incidents with locking my keys in my car (which has happened more times than I will ever admit), flat tires and dead batteries, they've decided I need intervention. "You're an idiot and a disaster when it comes to your vehicle" intervention. I think they're right.

No Credibility

Not too long ago I took my car to a certain drive through car wash. I was enjoying all the brightly colored soaps squirting on my windshield and strips of felt swirling around and around, when I heard a brief scraping noise. "That didn't sound good," I thought. But then more soap and swishy things instantly grabbed my attention and I forgot all about the scraping sound until I got back to work. I got out of my car to inspect its cleanliness. I noticed two little chips of paint that had been taken off the roof! Lame!

The ladies at work convinced to go back there with guns blazing and demand they make it right! I'm not a big one for confrontation. It's the worst. So the whole way back to the car wash I was trying to talk myself into a real lather, you know, getting all pumped up for the big fight. I got there and quietly requested to see a manager. This like 21 year old kid named York comes out. How do you get mad at a 21 year old kid named York? I found myself being extra discreet and kind instead. My weakness was exposed.

I showed him the two paint chips. And this is where the whole operation started falling apart. He goes up the paint chips and runs his finger over them. Then he scrapes one of them off with his fingernail. It was a smudge of something white. Ouch! Major blow to the credibility! Strike one.

He goes on to explain all the reasons why their machinery couldn't possibly have caused the other real paint chip. "It's possible, though, that the car had been hit by a rock or something and chipped the paint and then the cleaning process took it off. You know, things happen to cars all the time. Maybe it's been there for a while and you just never noticed it before." He starts walking around my car looking for other chips and flaws with which he can prove his point. He goes to the front of my car where there's a big crack in the bumper. My best friend's sister-in-law had backed into it on my friend's wedding day. I hadn't gotten it fixed yet. He kind of points to it and looks at me and raises his eyebrows. Strike two.

He continues around the car. My case is looking really bad. He's walking towards my car's fuel door. It's ajar! I must not have closed it all the way when I gassed up! Maybe he won't notice... As he walks past it he looks at me again, and very deliberately shuts the door. My heart sinks within me. Strike three.

Any credibility I had left was destroyed. I accepted the outcome. I said thank you to York and got in my car to drive back to work. My pitiful attempt at speaking my mind and getting what I wanted was a major bust. In fact it left my ego a humbled, crumpled mess. How do I even live with myself? But I had to chuckle. I guess I just wasn't made for battle. So the chip stays. As a simile of my soul.

The (Ahem) Adult Photo Shoot

I've mentioned on this blog before how my friend Jared and I always have the craziest adventures together. Remember the gang violence? Yeah. Good times. Well there was this other time when we weren't so much in danger physically, but our minds and spirits could have been utterly destroyed!

I went to college in Logan, Utah which is the best place in the world in spring, summer and fall. Winters are hideous, but the other three seasons more than make up for it. There are mountains and caves and forests and lakes and rivers, and they're all right at your fingertips. One of my greatest pleasures on Sunday afternoons was to jump in my car and take solo drives into the unknown. I'd go a different direction every time and take strange roads until I found something interesting.

On one such occasion, I had found my way into the little town of Wellsville which is right up against a small mountain range of the same name. I meandered down backroads until I was right at the foot. There was a little trail leading uphill into the trees. Even though I was alone, I deemed it necessary to see where the trail led. I had walked for just a minute or two when I came into the most amazing forest I have ever laid eyes on! The ground was thickly carpeted with wild ivy as far as the eye could see. The ivy cascaded from tree branches like lush green curtains. It was exactly like Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest! I named it Enchanted Fairy Land. But evening was drawing near. I needed to leave, but i would return with a friend to enjoy the spectacle with me!

The next week, my go-to man Jared and I headed back to the mountain. As we drove to the trail head, we noticed another car parked there. "Ah well," I thought. "There's room for everybody in glorious Nature! Besides, they're probably hiking way up the trail and we won't even see them."

It was wonderful seeing Jared's face as we turned the bend in the trail and Enchanted Fairy Land opened up before us! "Isn't it incredible?" I asked. We were awe-stricken. Just then we noticed a gentleman standing in the ivy quite a way off the trail with a fancy camera set up. He appeared to be taking photos of one of those great curtains of ivy hanging from a branch of a tree. When he noticed us he kind of stopped and looked at us like a deer in the headlights for a moment, then went on, nervously clicking. Being the friendly hiker that I am, I raised my hand and waved with a, "Hello there!" He politely acknowledged me, and Jared and I continued silently down the trail.

Once we had passed the curtain that he had been photographing, I turned around once again as if to say, "I hope we didn't ruin any of your photos." From this new angle, I realized he wasn't photographing ivy. There was a woman standing there. She had blonde hair swept into an up-do. She had on glamour makeup. She wore no clothing. She had a length of sheer black lace draped across her. I made eye contact with her. A laugh caught in my chest. I shot my gaze forward, grabbed Jared's elbow and not so subtly quickened my pace. Once we were around the next bend in the trail and out of eyeshot of the er... photo shoot, my pent up laughter exploded out of me!

"Oh my gosh! Did you see that?!" I tried to whisper. "What?" Jared looked at me confusedly. He hadn't seen her! He was spared the horror and embarrassment of intruding on such an "intimate" situation. Well, it was embarrassing for me anyway. I won't say it would've been horrifying and embarrassing for everyone in that same circumstance...

An hour or so later on our way back down the trail I made sure the coast was clear before walking through Enchanted Fairy Land again. It's beauty wasn't tarnished by the strange occurrence. In fact, it's so beautiful I would totally use it as a location for a cool film or photography sesh myself... In a different genre, of course.

A Regular Person in NYC

I recently went on a trip to New York City. Loved it. I went once before as a teenager and I enjoyed it then. It was very magical to me. There was something different about going back as an adult though... I don't know, I guess I felt more like a part of the mass of humanity. I didn't feel quite so alien there. The anonymity of being one of millions was actually kind of freeing. If that makes any sense at all.

Things I loved: The food. Theatre. Greenwich Village. The cute wallet I bought in Chinatown. MMoA. OMG.

Things I didn't love: So much honking of horns. When we got turned around and lost in the Ramble in Central Park. Walking through the dank, dingy, utterly frightening outer edges of Chinatown. We were looking for this bakery. We didn't realize we'd have to traipse through a nightmare to get there.

Wait! I lied! There was one place I felt completely alien! My cousin and I were walking down 5th Avenue, past all the fancy schmancy stores. She wanted to go inside Bergdorf Goodman and look around at the rich people stuff. I tried to talk her out of it. I didn't want to go inside a store where I knew I wouldn't be buying anything. She was unrelenting. So we went inside.

The moment we stepped across the glittering threshold, I felt like there was a big sign on my forehead with lights flashing "POOR PERSON! POOR PERSON!" The women in that store, you guys! They were all dressed in like Valentino skirt suits and diamond bracelets and earrings. They had impeccably coiffed hair and perfect manicures and Gucci-suit-wearing, indifferent husbands. My Old Navy jeans and I were feeling horribly out of place. Scarves there start at $350 dollars, friends. Who lives in that world? Who can spend $350 on a square of fabric and feel like it was a good purchase? Is there really satisfaction in it?

Weirder still was the fact that my cousin seemed completely immune to the uncomfortableness of the situation. She was unfazed. Is there such a thing as "inferiority complex"? Maybe I have it.

Anyway, overall it was an awesome trip.